I have the apartment to myself for the next week, and so far I feel like a teenager whose parents have left for vacation-- freedom! Not that Kari acts like my mom or anything, it's just nice being as loud and naked as I want. Umm....so let's see, here's what's been going on:
Job-- was having a bad attitude for a while, but then I started to get my ass in gear a bit more and continue to find more redeeming things about working in HR. Plus, it pays the bills and allows me to have a social life, so how bad can that be, right?
Social-- it has been a holiday season of visitors and me being spoiled by family members who've come in town. After the mad Thanksgiving rush of visitors I've had some time to do normal things like come home right after work, go running and cook dinner. Good times. I felt very artsy fartsy this weekend as I went to a musical on Friday night called Serenade, and the Juilliard end-of-semester dance performance last night. My Texas crew (Jules, Kari, Sarah, Moni) are all still here and keeping me grounded.
Spiritual/Mental-- I've actually been trying out some daily spiritual disciplines, mostly stemming from a recent surge of anxiety that came pretty much out of nowhere. I'm reading a book called Exchange Your Worries for God's Perfect Peace which I know sounds like some completely cheesy book one might order from an infomercial. But it's helped remind me of who God is in the midst of feeling un-anchored. I haven't been real big on church attendance lately, but am still very committed to my small group that meets weekly.
Travel-- It has been the month-o-travel as I've been to Texas twice for friends' weddings (Christian & Carlos) with a stop in Vegas in between. Grandma definitely won more money than I did on the slots. I think I would like to finally cross an ocean at some point in 2008. Oh yeah, and I'm heading to Texas next Saturday, so hang out with me!
Men-- Still find myself having totally unrealistic crushes and going on lots of dates that don't amount to relationships. That seems to be the New York way--though still holding on to the hope that I will eventually meet someone I'd want to write home about. In the meantime, I've actually learned a lot from every guy that I've been out with, not just about the other person but about myself (primarily my dating weirdnesses) and how to navigate uncomfortable conversation topics and differing perspectives...so that's all good and I have no regrets.
Reading-- I am currently reading Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison, and it is fabulous so far. I am also a new subscriber to Rolling Stone magazine.
Christmas Shopping-- I have not done this yet and should probably get on that.
Ok, I am running out of topics. Nighty night.
Dec 16, 2007
Nov 4, 2007
Urban Retreat
Without planning, I managed to show up at the Hudson River just in time for sunset tonight. And, man did I need a sunset. I was attempting to go to Montauk today to be at one with nature, but I managed to sleep through all the trains, so that didn't quite work out. My insides have been screaming for a change of scenery lately, which is why I decided to embark on my East to West walk across Manhattan this evening. Sometimes I think God just leads us to things we need to see...and today it was this piece of serenity in the insanest of cities.My second urban retreat of the day was a diner on the Upper West side followed by a stroll through Barnes & Noble and a final stop at my local coffee shop, Cafe Pick-Me-Up, for a little late night reading. It was no Montauk, but one of the more relaxing days I've had in the city in a while. Tomorrow I'm headed to the North Fork of Long Island to check out the wineries, then Thursday it's Las Vegas or bust to meet up with the mom, aunt and grandma.
Today was the first time I've written for a long while. I wrote at the diner, the coffeeshop and here for the web-surfers' eyes. It seems the floodgates have re-opened. I've had a season of feeling uncreative and stifled, but perhaps that is drawing to a close. Most of what I wrote today was me trying to understand my reasons for living here. Let's be honest, it's been a love-hate relationship from the get-go. It was a tough go at first, and then I began discovering New York's more redemptive qualities: summertime, the East Village, the wear-whatever attitude....so we've shared some long embraces, the City and I. Today was about hashing out the negatives-- those which can be reconciled and those which cannot:
I've concluded that there is a minimum square footage that determines a healthy living space for an individual. Though I don't know the exact number, I am certain my apartment's surface area falls short of it. This ongoing issue of 3+ years will most certainly be reconciled come July 31st when our lease expires and we go in search of more space and less rent in Brooklyn.
There are a few strategic areas (and I fear this number is growing) of the City which exist only to be whored out to tourists. Yes, I did use the word whore because that is how strongly I feel about the matter. These include Herald Square (where my job happens to be located), home of the world's most ginormous Macy's and other supersized retailers; Time Square, home to all things cheesy, commercial and straight up ghetto; Little Italy, where one would be hard-pressed to find any traces of authentic Italian cuisine and is soon to be overtaken by it's neighboring superpower, Chinatown. Even my own neighborhood seems to be changing overnight. I am starting to feel like the old-timer around these part at the ripe old age of 25. Streets that most up-towners had never even heard of before are now home to ultra hip clubs with lines of ultra cool hipsters waiting to get in on "the scene". I first took notice of all these happenings when my favorite neighborhood coffee shop, Lalita Java, became a Cuban restaurant literally overnight. It freaked me out. Lalita was a neighborhood staple and had been for nearly 10 years, long before I ever lived around these parts and long before people were even brave enough to venture into this area. For those unaware of the East Village's history, it has been the longtime home to drug addicts, squaters, protestors...a neighborhood deeply rooted in rebellion and an appreciation of art (think "Re
nt").The question I mulled over today is, "Is this a negative that can be reconciled?" I do not know. On the one hand, change is inevitable, especially in New York City. I remember the tour guide on my Circle Line Cruise once said, "If you don't like New York, just wait a couple years"....making light of it's transcient nature. I was deeply moved by something I read in Tuesdays With Morrie several months ago. He pointed out that every culture has it's problems and that a lot of people run away looking for better only to find a whole new set of problems. The key, he says, is to press in and create your own culture wherever you are. He also said that it's difficult and most people can't do it. I wonder if I've done that here or if it's just too difficult. I wonder if that will ever even happen on a mass scale here. I wonder if my back and forth of "unsettledness" is an indication I simply do not fit this lifestyle or that the best is yet to come. Or maybe it is simply that my idea of God working through me is not the same as His. Will me "loving my neighbor" really help ignite a greater sense of ownership and authenticity here? Is that really even the point? I am unsure. One thing I am certain of is that my place here has little to do with my career, my experiences, my cultural saavy and everything to do with loving and investing in those around me. Ironically, I only recently figured that out.
Lately I've grappled with the alternative, which would be moving back home, to Texas, probably Austin. There are many things I miss about my home state. My family is one of them. But when I think about leaving New York I can't deny the saddness I feel. This is where I have grown up as an adult, if that makes sense. What determines when it's time? Or will it ever be time? The thought of leaving and staying equally freak me out. So, for now I'm going with Morrie's theory-- don't run away. stay. create your own culture.
Sep 3, 2007
Book Smarts and Radical Grace
So sad to see my long 4-day weekend come to a close. I didn't really get around to half of the things on my ambitious list of adventures to partake in, but overall I feel rested....and resting is what weekends are for. It's funny because I always have grand ideas of activities I want to do and places I want to explore in NYC and beyond, and yet when it comes down to it, one of the most fulfilling things I end up doing with my time off is sitting in the park and reading. Simple pleasures always seem to win out in the end.
Today I just finished Unhooked by Laura Sessions. It's basically about the hookup culture of my generation and how it's disabling us from developing authentic, healthy romantic relationships with the opposite sex. I do agree with her on many points, and the facts are quite disturbing. But I see such a different model for relationships among Christians (not that they're perfect either), that it keeps me hopeful there will still continue to be models of true love rooted in complete respect for another. And, at the book's end, the author does point out that those with spiritual roots are less likely to take part in to the hookup culture...so that's that. If she would have just interviewed me from the get go, I probably could have helped her come to that conclusion a little earlier in the game.
I may love buying new books as much as I love the actual reading of them. I found two books to purchase at a local garage sale (or I guess I should say "street sale" as Manhattan is not conducive to people having actual garages) and was ready to offer 10 bucks for the both when the Puerto Rican gentleman informed me it would be $2. "Each?", I asked. "No, one dollar per book", he replied. I had no idea deals like that even existed in this city. Needless to say, I was beaming all the way back to my apartment with my two classics in hand: Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, and Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man.
The irony of my love for reading is that, at the end of the day, I never feel quite book smart enough to be living here. I was especially aware of this at a BBQ I went to today....lawyer on my right, finance guru on my left, architect across from me. I didn't feel like I had much to contribute to the conversation. I know I'm intelligent, just not in the same way as a lot of the people here. They are intellectuals. I have social smarts. I know that's ok, but it seems Northeasterners tend to value the former more than the latter, which often leaves me frustrated and sometimes disconnected feeling. It's almost like the people in this city are so accustomed to having to produce to feel accepted, to "prove" they have something to offer as if what's already there is not enough. I can better sympathize with the struggle my cousin faced in her two years of grad school here....always sensing the value she held to her classmates depended on the quickness of her responses in the classroom, the depth of her opinions, and often, the liberalness of her views. I pray that others would never feel like they have to "try" in my presence....that they would feel free to just be.
Maybe that is why God's grace is so difficult to accept....because we are so used to striving for others' approval that we cannot imagine someone loving us simply for being alive.
Today I just finished Unhooked by Laura Sessions. It's basically about the hookup culture of my generation and how it's disabling us from developing authentic, healthy romantic relationships with the opposite sex. I do agree with her on many points, and the facts are quite disturbing. But I see such a different model for relationships among Christians (not that they're perfect either), that it keeps me hopeful there will still continue to be models of true love rooted in complete respect for another. And, at the book's end, the author does point out that those with spiritual roots are less likely to take part in to the hookup culture...so that's that. If she would have just interviewed me from the get go, I probably could have helped her come to that conclusion a little earlier in the game.
I may love buying new books as much as I love the actual reading of them. I found two books to purchase at a local garage sale (or I guess I should say "street sale" as Manhattan is not conducive to people having actual garages) and was ready to offer 10 bucks for the both when the Puerto Rican gentleman informed me it would be $2. "Each?", I asked. "No, one dollar per book", he replied. I had no idea deals like that even existed in this city. Needless to say, I was beaming all the way back to my apartment with my two classics in hand: Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, and Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man.
The irony of my love for reading is that, at the end of the day, I never feel quite book smart enough to be living here. I was especially aware of this at a BBQ I went to today....lawyer on my right, finance guru on my left, architect across from me. I didn't feel like I had much to contribute to the conversation. I know I'm intelligent, just not in the same way as a lot of the people here. They are intellectuals. I have social smarts. I know that's ok, but it seems Northeasterners tend to value the former more than the latter, which often leaves me frustrated and sometimes disconnected feeling. It's almost like the people in this city are so accustomed to having to produce to feel accepted, to "prove" they have something to offer as if what's already there is not enough. I can better sympathize with the struggle my cousin faced in her two years of grad school here....always sensing the value she held to her classmates depended on the quickness of her responses in the classroom, the depth of her opinions, and often, the liberalness of her views. I pray that others would never feel like they have to "try" in my presence....that they would feel free to just be.
Maybe that is why God's grace is so difficult to accept....because we are so used to striving for others' approval that we cannot imagine someone loving us simply for being alive.
Aug 25, 2007
I've Been Tagged
The Rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Here are my 8 random factoids:
1. I love bologna....I think I'm the only person who still orders the cold cut trio at Subway. When I was younger, my dad used to heat it up in a frying pan for breakfast, and I'd put it on my English muffin...to die for.
2. I took karate for 3 years in high school and got all the way to brown belt, so I guess you could say I have ninja skills (though secretly I don't really remember much of what I learned). I do remember that my favorite move was that mantis hand....supposedly your hand looks like a praying mantis when you do it. If you're lucky, I'll demo for you sometime.
3. I'm currently wearing a lovely black velcro boot on my foot that looks like a flipper one might wear to go scuba diving (only a bit shorter). I somehow managed to get a stress fracture, so I've been hobbling around NYC for the past few weeks....I'll post a pic of this lovely fashion accessory on my next blog.
4. I still think picking my boogers (not in public, of course) is a really rewarding practice.
5. Ever since seeing the movie Space Camp in 3rd grade I wanted to be an astronaut. Seriously, all the way through high school...until I realized I'm not so great at physics and engineering (which, according to my high school teacher, is what one needs to study to become an astronaut)
6. Sometimes I pretend my life is a movie, and I think about exactly how I want each scene to be played out.....keeps things interesting.
7. If I could sing like a black woman, I'd totally be in a gospel choir (lead, of course)
8. I have never seen The Princess Bride (which, apparently, makes me un-American or something)
Ok, those are my factoids. Here are the peeps I'm tagging: Asian Kate, Fens, Luke, Alex (4 will have to suffice b/c I can't think of anymore people w/ blogs)
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Here are my 8 random factoids:
1. I love bologna....I think I'm the only person who still orders the cold cut trio at Subway. When I was younger, my dad used to heat it up in a frying pan for breakfast, and I'd put it on my English muffin...to die for.
2. I took karate for 3 years in high school and got all the way to brown belt, so I guess you could say I have ninja skills (though secretly I don't really remember much of what I learned). I do remember that my favorite move was that mantis hand....supposedly your hand looks like a praying mantis when you do it. If you're lucky, I'll demo for you sometime.
3. I'm currently wearing a lovely black velcro boot on my foot that looks like a flipper one might wear to go scuba diving (only a bit shorter). I somehow managed to get a stress fracture, so I've been hobbling around NYC for the past few weeks....I'll post a pic of this lovely fashion accessory on my next blog.
4. I still think picking my boogers (not in public, of course) is a really rewarding practice.
5. Ever since seeing the movie Space Camp in 3rd grade I wanted to be an astronaut. Seriously, all the way through high school...until I realized I'm not so great at physics and engineering (which, according to my high school teacher, is what one needs to study to become an astronaut)
6. Sometimes I pretend my life is a movie, and I think about exactly how I want each scene to be played out.....keeps things interesting.
7. If I could sing like a black woman, I'd totally be in a gospel choir (lead, of course)
8. I have never seen The Princess Bride (which, apparently, makes me un-American or something)
Ok, those are my factoids. Here are the peeps I'm tagging: Asian Kate, Fens, Luke, Alex (4 will have to suffice b/c I can't think of anymore people w/ blogs)
Jul 8, 2007
Sweaty Sunday
This is a picture I took of my sweaty self today after running 6 miles....that's right, 6 miles. Ok, so for some of you olympic athletes 6 miles is a mere jog in the park, but I think it's a lot....especially in the heat of the day, especially while breathing in the exhaust fumes from New York's FDR Highway.So, basically I posted this picture:
1) so that you would feel sorry for (and proud of me) for all that running and
2) because I've never posted a pic on my blog and felt like today was as good a day as any to get started.
And to have an excuse to advertise that I'll be running the NYC Half Marathon on August 5th. Yikes, that's only a month away...and to think the distance I ran today was only half of the real thing. My lungs are collapsing just thinking about it. But for realz, if you are in the area (or want an excuse to be in the area) come on out at 7 am to cheer a sister on.
Jun 10, 2007
New York
Definitely one of my favorite topics for analysis is how my move from Texas to New York and the 3 years I have spent here have changed me. Each time I visit my home state and come back I mull it over a little more....and think I might actually be at a point of articulation on the matter.
For all of the chaos and stress it has induced in my life, New York City has somehow ended up being the first place I have ever really felt at home with myself, comfortable in my own skin. Certainly not because it's a tranquil, calm and hospitable place to be. Maybe because it's not any of those things (initially) that I have been forced to reckon with myself and the world in a way I never have before. And because of that I am now grateful for all the shouting and all the people in the Bronx who thought I was a clueless white girl and all the dirty bums on the street corner begging for change and all the druggies in the park cursing the world and the reckless cab drivers and the horns and the boys at the shelter who punched walls and punched each other and hated me just because and all the attractive, charming guys who lacked in character and the moms who shouted "fuck" in front of their infant children and all of my co-workers who never thought I would succeed, much less stick around.....thank you for showing me that life is messy and I am messy and things are not perfect and that's just how it is right now...though one day they will be. Thank you for being all of you, for better or worse, for the world to see....it has helped (and at times forced) me to become all of me.
For all of the chaos and stress it has induced in my life, New York City has somehow ended up being the first place I have ever really felt at home with myself, comfortable in my own skin. Certainly not because it's a tranquil, calm and hospitable place to be. Maybe because it's not any of those things (initially) that I have been forced to reckon with myself and the world in a way I never have before. And because of that I am now grateful for all the shouting and all the people in the Bronx who thought I was a clueless white girl and all the dirty bums on the street corner begging for change and all the druggies in the park cursing the world and the reckless cab drivers and the horns and the boys at the shelter who punched walls and punched each other and hated me just because and all the attractive, charming guys who lacked in character and the moms who shouted "fuck" in front of their infant children and all of my co-workers who never thought I would succeed, much less stick around.....thank you for showing me that life is messy and I am messy and things are not perfect and that's just how it is right now...though one day they will be. Thank you for being all of you, for better or worse, for the world to see....it has helped (and at times forced) me to become all of me.
Apr 15, 2007
Fear
It is almost midnight, and I should be asleep right now, especially since I started the process about 2 hours ago and especially since tomorrow is the first day of my new temp job. But what happens is that often when I lay down, these thoughts start attacking my brain and then one thing leads to another and here I am still awake and frustrated as hell.
Today I finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Basically, it is a book of wisdom imparted from a Sociology professor (Morrie) to his former student (Mitch, the author) in the final months of Morrie's life. During one of their sessions, Morrie talks of his most fearful moments when he felt closest to death. The excerpt was so striking, I can not help but share it:
These were horrifying times, he said, and his first emotions were horror, fear, anxiety. But once he recognized the feel of these emotions, their texture, their moisture, the shiver down the back, the quick flash of heat that crosses your brain--then he was able to say, 'Okay, this is fear. Step away from it. Step away.'
I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we're not supposed to cry...
Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, 'All right, it's just fear. I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.'
I'm not sure what else to say here, except that I long for days (and nights) when I can be as brave as Morrie and pull on fear like a familiar shirt.
Today I finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Basically, it is a book of wisdom imparted from a Sociology professor (Morrie) to his former student (Mitch, the author) in the final months of Morrie's life. During one of their sessions, Morrie talks of his most fearful moments when he felt closest to death. The excerpt was so striking, I can not help but share it:
These were horrifying times, he said, and his first emotions were horror, fear, anxiety. But once he recognized the feel of these emotions, their texture, their moisture, the shiver down the back, the quick flash of heat that crosses your brain--then he was able to say, 'Okay, this is fear. Step away from it. Step away.'
I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we're not supposed to cry...
Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, 'All right, it's just fear. I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.'
I'm not sure what else to say here, except that I long for days (and nights) when I can be as brave as Morrie and pull on fear like a familiar shirt.
Apr 2, 2007
Smart
An older woman at church yesterday told me that she really liked my shoes. She said, "Those are really smart." I loved it. Smart shoes...sounds like something my grandma would say. It's like when people use the word handsome. I love how humbly dignified those old school words sound...let's start bringing them back.
I am still in Texas. Now that my dad is recovering nicely my brother is in the hospital. Apparently he has something called ulcerative colitis. You can go ahead and google that one on your own time. At this rate I had better leave town before I end up in a hospital bed with IV tubes coming out of my arms. All that to say my family has been glad to see the month of March come to an end.
Being in my hometown naturally makes me think of childhood....school, little league, youth group, volleyball, always feeling awkward. My dad's secretary also happens to be my 3rd grade teacher. 3rd grade...I was the smartest kid in my class, always won the spelling bee, was picked for class rep., broke my wrist playing soccer and was excited to have everyone sign my cast, was one of 3 girls in my class and the first to voluntarily play football with the boys at recess. I always made A honor roll, wanted to be friends with weird people (some things never change) and was thrilled when we got to clean our desks with shaving cream.
I can't help but wonder if those were my glory days. I always had this fight in me. I wanted to save the world and solve injustice and stand up for the nerds and freaks. I always loved black people and little kids and animals. I think that I still am all of those things....just a little more confused these days. My mom says that I am her "buffet girl" because I like a little bit of everything. Yesterday I told her I wanted to work on a farm and learn how to grow things and then teach inner city kids how to garden. I'm pretty sure this new whim further proved her theory. I think that being a buffet person is ok. The problem with us types is that we have trouble making decisions for fear that we'll be missing out on something better...we are a very restless breed which can lead to good things like starting a revolution or not-so-good things like never being content in the moment. I often fear the latter will prevent me from the former.
A few years back my pastor preached a series on wisdom from the book of Proverbs. His sermon on decision-making is one that I replay often. He said that looking back on his twenties probably 90% of the decisions he made were from selfish and "wrong" motives, and though he's not sure his percentage is much better now that he's in his 50's, God somehow still managed to bring him to where he's supposed to be. I have a hard time swallowing the fact that God is sovereign enough to work through our anxiety and stupidity and depression and selfishness and all kinds of shit. At times I've been able to digest it. I don't think now is one of those times. But I do think it's time to start making some decisions....small ones, maybe even "wrong" ones. Apparently I'm still able to pick out a "smart" pair of shoes on my own, so maybe there's still hope...
I am still in Texas. Now that my dad is recovering nicely my brother is in the hospital. Apparently he has something called ulcerative colitis. You can go ahead and google that one on your own time. At this rate I had better leave town before I end up in a hospital bed with IV tubes coming out of my arms. All that to say my family has been glad to see the month of March come to an end.
Being in my hometown naturally makes me think of childhood....school, little league, youth group, volleyball, always feeling awkward. My dad's secretary also happens to be my 3rd grade teacher. 3rd grade...I was the smartest kid in my class, always won the spelling bee, was picked for class rep., broke my wrist playing soccer and was excited to have everyone sign my cast, was one of 3 girls in my class and the first to voluntarily play football with the boys at recess. I always made A honor roll, wanted to be friends with weird people (some things never change) and was thrilled when we got to clean our desks with shaving cream.
I can't help but wonder if those were my glory days. I always had this fight in me. I wanted to save the world and solve injustice and stand up for the nerds and freaks. I always loved black people and little kids and animals. I think that I still am all of those things....just a little more confused these days. My mom says that I am her "buffet girl" because I like a little bit of everything. Yesterday I told her I wanted to work on a farm and learn how to grow things and then teach inner city kids how to garden. I'm pretty sure this new whim further proved her theory. I think that being a buffet person is ok. The problem with us types is that we have trouble making decisions for fear that we'll be missing out on something better...we are a very restless breed which can lead to good things like starting a revolution or not-so-good things like never being content in the moment. I often fear the latter will prevent me from the former.
A few years back my pastor preached a series on wisdom from the book of Proverbs. His sermon on decision-making is one that I replay often. He said that looking back on his twenties probably 90% of the decisions he made were from selfish and "wrong" motives, and though he's not sure his percentage is much better now that he's in his 50's, God somehow still managed to bring him to where he's supposed to be. I have a hard time swallowing the fact that God is sovereign enough to work through our anxiety and stupidity and depression and selfishness and all kinds of shit. At times I've been able to digest it. I don't think now is one of those times. But I do think it's time to start making some decisions....small ones, maybe even "wrong" ones. Apparently I'm still able to pick out a "smart" pair of shoes on my own, so maybe there's still hope...
Mar 13, 2007
Home
I am in Texas right now because my dad had open heart surgery. He's well on the road to recovery and came back from the hospital today. It's weird because I had been praying for an excuse to come back...not that I wanted it to be heart surgery, but it feels nice to be home, in a place where I can breathe. March and April have consistently been my least favorite months in New York because it's supposed to be Spring but it's not. It's still cold and snowing and my winter coat is disgustingly dirty but I don't wash it because I keep convincing myself that soon I won't be needing it anymore. The city just seems to get more claustrophobic and depressing and my body is screaming for sunlight, warm weather...pretty much all things not winter. Add unemployment to that mix, and the situation definitely calls for a change of scenery.
My favorite part of being back in Texas has been driving and listening to the radio. I forgot how peaceful it feels to be in a car by myself. I've missed being able to wear flip flops in March and enjoy the luxury of living in an actual house with normal-people sized rooms and appliances.
I like not feeling the pressures here that I do in New York. The pressure to get a great job and be somebody and change the world and blah blah blah. I'm just so over it. I'm so over everything being a hassle and crowded and freakin' overrated. I sometimes don't understand why I'm living there. In fact, I'm not really sure where I belong. I wish I could just focus in on something and stick with it. But lately I've been so scattered and restless. My mind keeps going in circles, and if one more person (except for you, Kate:) asks me how the job search is going I think I may scream. I don't have an answer. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know which city I belong in. I don't know which job I belong in. I guess for these next couple of weeks I belong here with my family...and that's about all I can say with certainty.
My favorite part of being back in Texas has been driving and listening to the radio. I forgot how peaceful it feels to be in a car by myself. I've missed being able to wear flip flops in March and enjoy the luxury of living in an actual house with normal-people sized rooms and appliances.
I like not feeling the pressures here that I do in New York. The pressure to get a great job and be somebody and change the world and blah blah blah. I'm just so over it. I'm so over everything being a hassle and crowded and freakin' overrated. I sometimes don't understand why I'm living there. In fact, I'm not really sure where I belong. I wish I could just focus in on something and stick with it. But lately I've been so scattered and restless. My mind keeps going in circles, and if one more person (except for you, Kate:) asks me how the job search is going I think I may scream. I don't have an answer. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know which city I belong in. I don't know which job I belong in. I guess for these next couple of weeks I belong here with my family...and that's about all I can say with certainty.
Feb 22, 2007
Looking Up
Something about being outdoors always helps to put matters in perspective for me. I don't know what it is. Recognizing that God created the grass and the trees and the East River somehow helps me understand that He's probably got my life under control too....and then I go back to my apartment and manage to forget that beautiful epiphany.
Yesterday was the first time things felt remotely promising on the job front. I went to a staffing agency and met with some pleasant folks who seemed quite positive that they would be able to find a good fit for me. I don't know why I've never gone to one of these places before. They do all the work for you. It's fabulous. There's also something empowering about putting on a suit. I felt important and intelligent...maybe that's shallow and pathetic ,but it's the truth. I can better understand why the "power tie" is so crucial to the male wardrobe.
I think I've finally gotten some mental and emotional closure with the boy situation too. We talked yesterday, and I realized that conversing with him always manages to disrupt my inner peace. Why it took me 5 months to figure that out I'm not so sure. Better than 5 years I guess. I haven't exactly been able to vocalize this conclusion to him, so I'm taking the more passive no call back approach....I shall keep you posted on how this "weaning off" process goes.
Ok, my tutoring gig calls, and plus I don't really have anything else inspiring to say.
Yesterday was the first time things felt remotely promising on the job front. I went to a staffing agency and met with some pleasant folks who seemed quite positive that they would be able to find a good fit for me. I don't know why I've never gone to one of these places before. They do all the work for you. It's fabulous. There's also something empowering about putting on a suit. I felt important and intelligent...maybe that's shallow and pathetic ,but it's the truth. I can better understand why the "power tie" is so crucial to the male wardrobe.
I think I've finally gotten some mental and emotional closure with the boy situation too. We talked yesterday, and I realized that conversing with him always manages to disrupt my inner peace. Why it took me 5 months to figure that out I'm not so sure. Better than 5 years I guess. I haven't exactly been able to vocalize this conclusion to him, so I'm taking the more passive no call back approach....I shall keep you posted on how this "weaning off" process goes.
Ok, my tutoring gig calls, and plus I don't really have anything else inspiring to say.
Feb 19, 2007
Aimless
Julie so kindly let me grace her with my presence all day long. We spent many a brainless hour watching TV, then I took a nap and then ate a delicious meal cooked by Collin...such a rough life I have.
So I think it's about time to find myself some temp work. I am going a little stir crazy and for whatever reason can't seem to find any motivation to look for a job. At first I was gung-ho about going in the human resources direction, and the more I looked at jobs the less excited I got. I don't know what my deal is. Plenty of people out there enjoy their jobs...I just have doubts that I will ever be among that group.
There's this boy that I've had a very love-hate relationship with for about the past 6 mths. It's annoying to have had so many emotions about a person for that length of time only to realize he's not who you wanted him to be in your head. It took him so long just to make a little effort, and now that he is I just don' t care anymore....and feel annoyed for all that time I spent caring way too much.
So that's that. I just don't care...about the job, about the boy, about much of anything right now. Then why do I feel like such a loser for not having a "real" job? I'm realizing how much New Yorkers are defined by their work. Everyone seems to have such distinguished titles: Project Manger, Investment Banker, Graphic Designer, Creative Director. I hate having to explain to people that I'm in a "transitional" period right now. My counselor told me that we are all broken people and we need to be able to look at those messy parts of ourselves and just accept them as reality. So, I'm trying to get there. To accept where I'm at: that I haven't had a job in a month, that I'm not really actively looking, that I'm unsure of what I want to do, that I sometimes feel like a loser because of it, and that deep down I really do care what other people think...even stupid boys.
So I think it's about time to find myself some temp work. I am going a little stir crazy and for whatever reason can't seem to find any motivation to look for a job. At first I was gung-ho about going in the human resources direction, and the more I looked at jobs the less excited I got. I don't know what my deal is. Plenty of people out there enjoy their jobs...I just have doubts that I will ever be among that group.
There's this boy that I've had a very love-hate relationship with for about the past 6 mths. It's annoying to have had so many emotions about a person for that length of time only to realize he's not who you wanted him to be in your head. It took him so long just to make a little effort, and now that he is I just don' t care anymore....and feel annoyed for all that time I spent caring way too much.
So that's that. I just don't care...about the job, about the boy, about much of anything right now. Then why do I feel like such a loser for not having a "real" job? I'm realizing how much New Yorkers are defined by their work. Everyone seems to have such distinguished titles: Project Manger, Investment Banker, Graphic Designer, Creative Director. I hate having to explain to people that I'm in a "transitional" period right now. My counselor told me that we are all broken people and we need to be able to look at those messy parts of ourselves and just accept them as reality. So, I'm trying to get there. To accept where I'm at: that I haven't had a job in a month, that I'm not really actively looking, that I'm unsure of what I want to do, that I sometimes feel like a loser because of it, and that deep down I really do care what other people think...even stupid boys.
Feb 13, 2007
Job Searching and Such
I sometimes feel that I should be much better at job searching after so many goes at it. But for some reason cover letters never get any easier to write, and I still laugh every time I look at my resume like I'm trying to be this super sophisticated person that I'm not....whatever. In my opinion there is entirely too much hype surrounding the job search. Listen people, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. This is coming from someone who has scoured hundreds of job postings from social work to sales. There are really only about 5 things you need to master in life:
Microsoft Word
Multi-tasking
Writing
Speaking
and occasionally...the "ability to work in a fast-paced environment"
Those things pretty much summarize every "requirements" category I have read. So, don't sweat it. Basically, if you're good at life and can whip up a word document you're good to go. Sorry to those of you who have paid big money for fancy career seminars. Next time, consult my blog first.
Ok, I'm about to be kicked out of this coffee shop. My supposed Valentine's date for tomorrow has not yet called to confirm, so I'm getting a little nervous.....I mean, I'm Valentine-worthy, right?
Microsoft Word
Multi-tasking
Writing
Speaking
and occasionally...the "ability to work in a fast-paced environment"
Those things pretty much summarize every "requirements" category I have read. So, don't sweat it. Basically, if you're good at life and can whip up a word document you're good to go. Sorry to those of you who have paid big money for fancy career seminars. Next time, consult my blog first.
Ok, I'm about to be kicked out of this coffee shop. My supposed Valentine's date for tomorrow has not yet called to confirm, so I'm getting a little nervous.....I mean, I'm Valentine-worthy, right?
Jan 21, 2007
This Time Around
Well, I have somehow managed to find myself unemployed in New York City for the 3rd time since moving here. Everything seemed to work itself out the first two times, so I'm trying not to sweat this one, abrupt as it came.
So what happened was that I've been working at a boys' shelter in Brooklyn for the past 4 months, and they pretty much yanked me and transferred me to their Bronx location against my will. I tried going into it with an open mind, but after 5 days of having to leave my apartment at 4am for the 2 hour commute the quick split was inevitable. So that leaves me here in my apartment at 11:49 on a Monday afternoon typing away in my long-neglected but soon-to-be-revived blog. Still trying to figure out how I feel about the way things worked out. A little bitter that I was basically forced to quit due to circumstances I had no control over, a lot relieved that I don't have to go back to work there again, a little excited by the adventure of such unexpected change and of course a little nervous about financial sustenance in the meantime. Underlying all there exists a peace from God that has been quite foreign to me over the past 5 months, and I am grateful for its return.
My gameplan for this week is to take it easy and to enjoy myself and the city. To regroup and address all of the things in my life that have been neglected since September: mail, bills, phone calls, e-mails, books, thank you notes, friendships...you get the idea. A couple months ago I started making a list of some things that I want to but still haven't gotten around to doing since moving here. Kari and I already did one of them this morning which was eat at the local Puerto Rican joint next door to us.....that's right....next door to us....and we've lived here 2 and a half years...and just now ate there today. Anyways, Casa Adela turned out to be quite scrumptious and quite cheap...better late than never I guess. Later on today I plan on heading down to the National Museum of the American Indian (also on the list). After visiting a reservation one summer in college and taking American Indian History the following semester I've had a soft spot for our native peoples.
So my theory in all of this is that if I take a week or so to do what I enjoy then some job ideas and opportunities are bound to flow out of that. And if not, well there's always Starbucks. Like I said, I'm trying not to sweat it. I need to take some time and really thank all the people in my life that are so good to me, and especially those who have listened to my whining and stuck with me through these past few depressive months. I swear it's a wonder that I still have friends.
So what happened was that I've been working at a boys' shelter in Brooklyn for the past 4 months, and they pretty much yanked me and transferred me to their Bronx location against my will. I tried going into it with an open mind, but after 5 days of having to leave my apartment at 4am for the 2 hour commute the quick split was inevitable. So that leaves me here in my apartment at 11:49 on a Monday afternoon typing away in my long-neglected but soon-to-be-revived blog. Still trying to figure out how I feel about the way things worked out. A little bitter that I was basically forced to quit due to circumstances I had no control over, a lot relieved that I don't have to go back to work there again, a little excited by the adventure of such unexpected change and of course a little nervous about financial sustenance in the meantime. Underlying all there exists a peace from God that has been quite foreign to me over the past 5 months, and I am grateful for its return.
My gameplan for this week is to take it easy and to enjoy myself and the city. To regroup and address all of the things in my life that have been neglected since September: mail, bills, phone calls, e-mails, books, thank you notes, friendships...you get the idea. A couple months ago I started making a list of some things that I want to but still haven't gotten around to doing since moving here. Kari and I already did one of them this morning which was eat at the local Puerto Rican joint next door to us.....that's right....next door to us....and we've lived here 2 and a half years...and just now ate there today. Anyways, Casa Adela turned out to be quite scrumptious and quite cheap...better late than never I guess. Later on today I plan on heading down to the National Museum of the American Indian (also on the list). After visiting a reservation one summer in college and taking American Indian History the following semester I've had a soft spot for our native peoples.
So my theory in all of this is that if I take a week or so to do what I enjoy then some job ideas and opportunities are bound to flow out of that. And if not, well there's always Starbucks. Like I said, I'm trying not to sweat it. I need to take some time and really thank all the people in my life that are so good to me, and especially those who have listened to my whining and stuck with me through these past few depressive months. I swear it's a wonder that I still have friends.
Dec 15, 2006
Romans 8:13-27
"For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hpes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with goans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hpes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with goans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."
Aug 14, 2006
Memo to all the Single Folk
I really just wrote this for my own sanity (and not for public viewing), but then I figured what the hell. So, for what it's worth...
MEMO TO ALL DUDES: Regardless of whatever you have built up in your head about me (and females in general), if you were to ask me on a date I would not shortly thereafter be expecting a princess cut diamond ring and your hand in marriage. In fact, just to prove my point, it doesn’t even have to be a date. What I (and I speak for many other females) am asking for is a conversation. We can freaking sit next to the drunk guy on my front steps for half an hour for all I care. So before you get ahead of yourself thinking I’m already naming our unborn children, I will spare you the guessing game. I’m not asking for much here: maybe just how many siblings you have or how work is going or what you like to do when you’re not working. When you don’t ask us out due to your pre-conceived notions of what a “date” means to us, you, in fact are guilty of the exact same thing of which you accuse. There is definitely a verse somewhere in the Bible about that.
MEMO TO ALL DUDETTES: If you think you may be interested in a guy (which may happen on numerous occasions) please be real with yourself about the source and intensity of the attraction. Chances are you know very little about him….that he’s cute, he’s from such and such city, works for such and such company and seems to have some kind of sense of humor judging from the sarcastic comment he muttered under his breath the other day. Sounds simple enough, but the problem is that us girls love to play pretend in our heads….it’s like some crazy internal wiring we have going on that makes us really good at relationships but can also get us into a whole lot of trouble. So even though you want to assume he’d be a great father one day because he talked to the little boy in the elevator….don’t go there. Just don’t. I know it’s hard because it’s against our very nature, but guys can sniff this out from a mile away and they freak out and refuse to initiate any sort of hang-out or activity that could possibly be labeled as a “date”. My advice: be cool….even when your insides are screaming otherwise….be cool. Then guys won’t feel the pressure that tends to lead to their general withdraw from the female population.
May 15, 2006
Next-Step Search: Day 1
Yesterday as I was running I was doing some thinking (because I try to focus on everything besides the actual fact that I'm running) and came up with this novel idea that I should blog my job-searching journey....mostly to hold myself accountable to actually making progress on a daily basis. Plus, I think it will be kind of fun. I'm calling it my next-step search because it sounds a little more all-encompassing, like the future's wide open....which it is.
First I must step back and explain why, from a spiritual perspective, this is a ripe time for me to be in the market for change, especially career related. I feel like my journal entry from May 5th articulates it best:
"So I've come to this conclusion that life is always going to be in some sort of state of "overwhelming"--because it's life...and there's always stuff going on and there will always be a million areas trying to be in perfect balance with each other but never quite making it. Just when you're physical health is coming together, your financial situation is falling apart. And just when you've mastered the art of budgeting, some relationship needs reconciling. You see what I mean? For as long as we live there will always be loose ends that have been sewn up, others that need to be tied and some right on the verge of unraveling.
This is precisely why the old Jennifer was in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and worried. Because I saw the reality but just couldn't accept it...
I have now progressed into the very liberating phase of acceptance....of myself and the state of the world. Perfection exists only in the one who defined it in the first place. So if something is to be redeemed to the state it was created for, that will only be through Him and no amount of my "trying", however relentless that may be."
So basically instead of proving myself (which is exhausting and a set-up for failure), I simply have to be myself...and trust that that's enough. Amazing what a little adjustment of perspective can do.
Ok, so back to the task at hand. Day 1 was awesome. I could really get used to this unemployment gig. Here's the rundown:
- Woke up early and got a personal tour of the New York Stock Exchange by my friend that works there. I got to go on the trading floor and meet some folks who apparently are "kind of a big deal" in the financial world. It was awesome.
- Got home and made myself a scrumptious brunch of scrambled eggs, salad, English muffin, strawberries, coffee and OJ....wow, that's a lot of food when you see it written down.
- read Psalm 108 and thanked God for lots of things....namely that his "love reaches to the heavens" even on my worst days.
- e-mailed about 5 job contacts and managed to set up 2 informational interviews for the week
- worked on the ole' May budget--realized I should probably not buy anything for the rest of the month.
- filled in on my friend's volleyball team
- money spent: $2.19 (for one red pepper....that's ridiculous)
- epiphanies: I think I would like to work for myself at some point in life.
I am good at phone conversation.
I am selfish.
My fundraising adeptness has surprised me (see AIDS Walk webpage)
The computer skills could use some work.
First I must step back and explain why, from a spiritual perspective, this is a ripe time for me to be in the market for change, especially career related. I feel like my journal entry from May 5th articulates it best:
"So I've come to this conclusion that life is always going to be in some sort of state of "overwhelming"--because it's life...and there's always stuff going on and there will always be a million areas trying to be in perfect balance with each other but never quite making it. Just when you're physical health is coming together, your financial situation is falling apart. And just when you've mastered the art of budgeting, some relationship needs reconciling. You see what I mean? For as long as we live there will always be loose ends that have been sewn up, others that need to be tied and some right on the verge of unraveling.
This is precisely why the old Jennifer was in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and worried. Because I saw the reality but just couldn't accept it...
I have now progressed into the very liberating phase of acceptance....of myself and the state of the world. Perfection exists only in the one who defined it in the first place. So if something is to be redeemed to the state it was created for, that will only be through Him and no amount of my "trying", however relentless that may be."
So basically instead of proving myself (which is exhausting and a set-up for failure), I simply have to be myself...and trust that that's enough. Amazing what a little adjustment of perspective can do.
Ok, so back to the task at hand. Day 1 was awesome. I could really get used to this unemployment gig. Here's the rundown:
- Woke up early and got a personal tour of the New York Stock Exchange by my friend that works there. I got to go on the trading floor and meet some folks who apparently are "kind of a big deal" in the financial world. It was awesome.
- Got home and made myself a scrumptious brunch of scrambled eggs, salad, English muffin, strawberries, coffee and OJ....wow, that's a lot of food when you see it written down.
- read Psalm 108 and thanked God for lots of things....namely that his "love reaches to the heavens" even on my worst days.
- e-mailed about 5 job contacts and managed to set up 2 informational interviews for the week
- worked on the ole' May budget--realized I should probably not buy anything for the rest of the month.
- filled in on my friend's volleyball team
- money spent: $2.19 (for one red pepper....that's ridiculous)
- epiphanies: I think I would like to work for myself at some point in life.
I am good at phone conversation.
I am selfish.
My fundraising adeptness has surprised me (see AIDS Walk webpage)
The computer skills could use some work.
Apr 30, 2006
Change
So I quit my job and have no backup plan. I gotta' tell you it may be one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Ok, so when I say I have no backup plan, what I really mean is that I have no other job lined up. However, I've saved up a little money and the plan is to take a second and figure out what exactly it is that I'm called to. I don't feel like work and personal life should have to be so separate. They should be overflows of each other. So I want to find a job that feels like that...like something I was created to do.
My last day is May 12th which means I've encountered a major case of "senioritis" at work. I seriously can't focus for more than 10 minute increments...because freedom is right around the corner. I say that now, and then I'm sure in a couple months I'll be posting a whiny blog about how I'm broke and jobless. Such is life...
The craziest thing about all of this is not so much the decision itself, but the internal transformation I've undergone because of it. I've just felt trapped for a long time, like I was going to be stuck in this job forever and stuck in a rut of complacency. So basically something had to change. Some kind of decision had to be made. And it was. And I feel good about it. And in the process of it all I've learned that I really can be a lot of things I think I'm not--spontaneous, unconventional, completely trusting (of God) and most of all confident. For someone who's always done the safe and responsible thing her whole life because she's deathly afraid of failure, a giant leap of faith is what needed to happen. And for someone who is accustomed to feeling anxious and worried on a daily basis, to experience such peace and surety can only be evidence of the supernatural at work.
So that's that. I may fail miserably and find myself not being able to afford rent in a few months. And that's ok. In fact, it may even be good for me. To know that failure doesn't have the same power over me that it had before. I'm excited to see where this story goes.....and equally joyful in the sharing of it...
My last day is May 12th which means I've encountered a major case of "senioritis" at work. I seriously can't focus for more than 10 minute increments...because freedom is right around the corner. I say that now, and then I'm sure in a couple months I'll be posting a whiny blog about how I'm broke and jobless. Such is life...
The craziest thing about all of this is not so much the decision itself, but the internal transformation I've undergone because of it. I've just felt trapped for a long time, like I was going to be stuck in this job forever and stuck in a rut of complacency. So basically something had to change. Some kind of decision had to be made. And it was. And I feel good about it. And in the process of it all I've learned that I really can be a lot of things I think I'm not--spontaneous, unconventional, completely trusting (of God) and most of all confident. For someone who's always done the safe and responsible thing her whole life because she's deathly afraid of failure, a giant leap of faith is what needed to happen. And for someone who is accustomed to feeling anxious and worried on a daily basis, to experience such peace and surety can only be evidence of the supernatural at work.
So that's that. I may fail miserably and find myself not being able to afford rent in a few months. And that's ok. In fact, it may even be good for me. To know that failure doesn't have the same power over me that it had before. I'm excited to see where this story goes.....and equally joyful in the sharing of it...
Mar 3, 2006
It's the Little Things...
Some Fun and Random Happenings as of Late:
1. I was riding on the bus w/ my client in the Bronx one day and the bus driver led us all in a chorus of "The Wheels on the Bus go 'Round and 'Round" in efforts to get this little girl to stop crying. Never have I seen so many hardcore black-wearing Bronxonians (I just made that word up) smile at once. Mad props to you, Mr. Bus Driver Man!!
2. So we had this whole package of brown sugar that was completely hardened. Naturally, as I always do in such predicaments, I googled my solution and learned that putting a piece of foil and damp paper towel on top of the clumps will soften them right up. So I did, and I waited...day one..still solid as a rock....day two same deal....day three I go to throw out the sugar in despair but alas it has softened and is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. Ok, so that might be a slight exageration but seriously I have been incorporating brown sugar into every meal since that glorious day....simply because I can. Sure I could have just given up, thrown it out and bought a new package. But the effort makes it taste all the better. I thought of all these great life analogies that are reflected in the brown sugar incident, but I shall spare you the sentimental details for now.
3. My friend Sarah from A&M just moved across the street from me (literally). She would e-mail and call last year to ask questions as she deliberated the move here. And, as fate would have it, a year later we're neighbors in the big apple.
4. I dated (and I use that term lightly) a Polish dude that I met on the subway. I know, I know...very New York, and/or very ridiculous depending on how you look at it. Needless to say it didn't work out. No more picking up dates on public transportation.
5. Took the Chinatown bus to Baltimore and reconnected with a long lost high school friend who I hadn't seen in 4 years. We did a little kareoke-ing, a little shopping, a LOT of eating (Maryland crabs....mmm) and I think we talked nonstop for the entire 3 day weekend....loved every minute.
6. Went ice skating (w/ my friend Claire) for the first time since Bonnie Cooper's birthday party in 2nd grade...and I didn't even bust it once...and discovered that Park Slope, Brooklyn is freakin' awesome.
7. Had a "throw back" Saturday night watching Doogie Howser (yeah, that's right) season 1 w/ Claire and her roomie. I'm not sure what's more ridiculous--the fact that Claire actually ordered it on Netflix or the fact that we spent a Saturday night watching it.
8. I got the privelege of boogeying down with some south Bronx locals at our client Mardi Gras party. One of the clients (who happens to be a black woman) came up and asked me, "Where'd you get yo' rhythm?" Now she may just think that any white girl who can snap her fingers to a beat qualifies as having rhythm, but you better believe I'll be holdin' on to that compliment 'til I go dancin' into my grave.
9. This month is currently deemed "operation bridesmaid" as I crack down on the healthy eating and prepare to strut my stuff down the aisle at Michelle's wedding next month (side note: I'll be in Dallas Apr.7-9ish for those of you in the vicinity)
10. We had a dog for 2 weeks. His name is Muffinski (don't ask), and he quickly became the heartthrob of Avenue C. We were taking care of him for a friend, and I must say dogs require a lot of attention and early mornings. Basically, I had to come to grips w/ how self-centered I really am. Let's just say I probably don't need to be raising children anytime soon.
11. Jules and I had a good laugh one Friday night when we met some friends at Duvet: the most swanky mcswankster, "Sex and the City"-esque, $12 drink-servin' bar/lounge whatever. Jellyfish aquariums, beds that require reservations , a bar that changes colors and spikey-haired black shirt wearin' bar tenders....boy did I feel right at home.
To counter that, I put all my rhythm to good use dancin' to the hits of the 80's at Culture Club last weekend.
In other random news, I don't care what the thermometer says, today was definitely the coldest and windiest day of the year...and quite possibly of my life. Which is why I'm makin' it a Blockbuster and laundry night on this lovely Friday evening.
I think I'm ready for a new job, maybe something completely different, maybe something corporate. I don't really know. I do know that work's really been taking more of an emotional toll than usual lately. Just in the past couple weeks there's been a miscarriage, foster kid run away from home, suicide attempt, 2 hospitalizatoins, eviction notice, numerous occasions of getting hung up on by feisty and unprofessional welfare workers, pregnant teenager, homeless mother of 4 and the usual doses of anxiety, mental retardation and depression. It's true I've been talking about the job switch for a million years now, but really I'm just a big wuss. I hate resumes and searching and having to "market" myself. The whole game of it makes me want to vomit. Why can't I just be recruited or something, like in sports?
The thing with my job is that you feel as though you've just sprinted a marathon and only moved a foot. And right when you want to throw in the towel you get a tiny grain of hope (this can be related back to the "brown sugar philosphy"), grab the reins, and the whole cycle repeats itself. I don't like to give up, especially not on people. I guess it's a good problem to have but sometimes blurs the understanding of when it's time to move on. So , having put all of that on the table, call me if you're hiring...or if you've received some prophetic message regarding my next career move.
1. I was riding on the bus w/ my client in the Bronx one day and the bus driver led us all in a chorus of "The Wheels on the Bus go 'Round and 'Round" in efforts to get this little girl to stop crying. Never have I seen so many hardcore black-wearing Bronxonians (I just made that word up) smile at once. Mad props to you, Mr. Bus Driver Man!!
2. So we had this whole package of brown sugar that was completely hardened. Naturally, as I always do in such predicaments, I googled my solution and learned that putting a piece of foil and damp paper towel on top of the clumps will soften them right up. So I did, and I waited...day one..still solid as a rock....day two same deal....day three I go to throw out the sugar in despair but alas it has softened and is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. Ok, so that might be a slight exageration but seriously I have been incorporating brown sugar into every meal since that glorious day....simply because I can. Sure I could have just given up, thrown it out and bought a new package. But the effort makes it taste all the better. I thought of all these great life analogies that are reflected in the brown sugar incident, but I shall spare you the sentimental details for now.
3. My friend Sarah from A&M just moved across the street from me (literally). She would e-mail and call last year to ask questions as she deliberated the move here. And, as fate would have it, a year later we're neighbors in the big apple.
4. I dated (and I use that term lightly) a Polish dude that I met on the subway. I know, I know...very New York, and/or very ridiculous depending on how you look at it. Needless to say it didn't work out. No more picking up dates on public transportation.
5. Took the Chinatown bus to Baltimore and reconnected with a long lost high school friend who I hadn't seen in 4 years. We did a little kareoke-ing, a little shopping, a LOT of eating (Maryland crabs....mmm) and I think we talked nonstop for the entire 3 day weekend....loved every minute.
6. Went ice skating (w/ my friend Claire) for the first time since Bonnie Cooper's birthday party in 2nd grade...and I didn't even bust it once...and discovered that Park Slope, Brooklyn is freakin' awesome.
7. Had a "throw back" Saturday night watching Doogie Howser (yeah, that's right) season 1 w/ Claire and her roomie. I'm not sure what's more ridiculous--the fact that Claire actually ordered it on Netflix or the fact that we spent a Saturday night watching it.
8. I got the privelege of boogeying down with some south Bronx locals at our client Mardi Gras party. One of the clients (who happens to be a black woman) came up and asked me, "Where'd you get yo' rhythm?" Now she may just think that any white girl who can snap her fingers to a beat qualifies as having rhythm, but you better believe I'll be holdin' on to that compliment 'til I go dancin' into my grave.
9. This month is currently deemed "operation bridesmaid" as I crack down on the healthy eating and prepare to strut my stuff down the aisle at Michelle's wedding next month (side note: I'll be in Dallas Apr.7-9ish for those of you in the vicinity)
10. We had a dog for 2 weeks. His name is Muffinski (don't ask), and he quickly became the heartthrob of Avenue C. We were taking care of him for a friend, and I must say dogs require a lot of attention and early mornings. Basically, I had to come to grips w/ how self-centered I really am. Let's just say I probably don't need to be raising children anytime soon.
11. Jules and I had a good laugh one Friday night when we met some friends at Duvet: the most swanky mcswankster, "Sex and the City"-esque, $12 drink-servin' bar/lounge whatever. Jellyfish aquariums, beds that require reservations , a bar that changes colors and spikey-haired black shirt wearin' bar tenders....boy did I feel right at home.
To counter that, I put all my rhythm to good use dancin' to the hits of the 80's at Culture Club last weekend.
In other random news, I don't care what the thermometer says, today was definitely the coldest and windiest day of the year...and quite possibly of my life. Which is why I'm makin' it a Blockbuster and laundry night on this lovely Friday evening.
I think I'm ready for a new job, maybe something completely different, maybe something corporate. I don't really know. I do know that work's really been taking more of an emotional toll than usual lately. Just in the past couple weeks there's been a miscarriage, foster kid run away from home, suicide attempt, 2 hospitalizatoins, eviction notice, numerous occasions of getting hung up on by feisty and unprofessional welfare workers, pregnant teenager, homeless mother of 4 and the usual doses of anxiety, mental retardation and depression. It's true I've been talking about the job switch for a million years now, but really I'm just a big wuss. I hate resumes and searching and having to "market" myself. The whole game of it makes me want to vomit. Why can't I just be recruited or something, like in sports?
The thing with my job is that you feel as though you've just sprinted a marathon and only moved a foot. And right when you want to throw in the towel you get a tiny grain of hope (this can be related back to the "brown sugar philosphy"), grab the reins, and the whole cycle repeats itself. I don't like to give up, especially not on people. I guess it's a good problem to have but sometimes blurs the understanding of when it's time to move on. So , having put all of that on the table, call me if you're hiring...or if you've received some prophetic message regarding my next career move.
Jan 16, 2006
Walking
I just made the 30 min. walk home from my friend Leslie's apartment at 1:00 in the morning. I know that sounds highly unsafe, but seriously I never feel threatened walking around Manhattan at any given hour....now Brooklyn is a whole other story (Julie can vouge for that;). After being in Texas for 2 weeks, walking is one of the many things I missed about New York. I could eat an entire pie and feel like I walked off every calorie by the time I get home. All I'm saying is who needs South Beach and Atkins when you've got the walker-friendly city?
Long weekends are the greatest (thank you Dr. King). A whole extra day to do all those things you wished you would have gotten around to doing as you drag yourself into the office on any given Monday morning. And when the weekend's over, there's still the shortened work week to look forward to.
One of my co-workers came with me to church tonight. And, no, I did not invite her. She approached me. And, not only that, but she wants to come again next week. At some point along the way I came to understand that the power of conversion does not lie in my hands. It's just that sometimes I'm priveleged enough to find myslef in a place where I am able to witness the process unfold. And then sometimes I even get to play a supporting role in the whole experience. Do I think church will cast some special power upon this girl? No, but I think that God will....and I feel like church is a pretty reliable catylist for that whole process. I'm ashamed to admit that all of this sovereignty business often doesn't make me feel any less insecure about saying or doing something that will send this girl running in the opposite direction when she is so close to crossing that line.
Long weekends are the greatest (thank you Dr. King). A whole extra day to do all those things you wished you would have gotten around to doing as you drag yourself into the office on any given Monday morning. And when the weekend's over, there's still the shortened work week to look forward to.
One of my co-workers came with me to church tonight. And, no, I did not invite her. She approached me. And, not only that, but she wants to come again next week. At some point along the way I came to understand that the power of conversion does not lie in my hands. It's just that sometimes I'm priveleged enough to find myslef in a place where I am able to witness the process unfold. And then sometimes I even get to play a supporting role in the whole experience. Do I think church will cast some special power upon this girl? No, but I think that God will....and I feel like church is a pretty reliable catylist for that whole process. I'm ashamed to admit that all of this sovereignty business often doesn't make me feel any less insecure about saying or doing something that will send this girl running in the opposite direction when she is so close to crossing that line.
Dec 1, 2005
The Hand of Providence
I was looking though my old computer files the other day and ran across this excerpt from the first and only entry of a computer journal I attempted to start last year. It made me joyful to look back and see God's hand at work in the uncertain times when you're craving change but aren't quite sure what that looks like. Just wanted to share with you...
6.16.04
"...I suddenly inherited this fresh passion for finding a job inNew York College Station
6.16.04
"...I suddenly inherited this fresh passion for finding a job in
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