I have been going through a really hard time lately, pretty much with life in general. Honestly, I've been in this phase for quite some time but only recently admitted it to myself or anyone else. I have literally come to the end of myself. But isn't that where God wants us to be? you may ask. Doesn't He want us to reach a place where we finally understand that nothing nothing nothing good that we do is from ourselves? Absolutely. But no one ever warned how depressing and lonely and scary that place is--because ultimately all control is lost.
I cannot force my clients at work to like me or think I'm a competent case worker. And in the same way I cannot make myself love them despite their pre-conceived notions of me.
I cannot make people in this city who I want them to be--loving, considerate, warm, hospitable.
I cannot get my roomates to care about decorating our apartment so that maybe it will feel less like a dorm room and a tiny bit more like a place I can feel at home.
I cannot make the closet in my room magically have more space to fit all of my clothes.
I cannot rid the subway stations of the strong stench of urine.
I cannot make people want to help me carry a heavy suitcase up the stairs or open doors for me.
I cannot make a beautiful countryside scene suddenly appear outside my bedroom window.
I cannot make myself love what I see in the mirror everyday or believe that one day someone else will.
I cannot memorize verses or read the Bible or really believe the promises of God on a consistent basis.
I cannot stop longing for the physical presence of my family and friends in Texas.
I cannot rid myself of the tension in my upper back that seems to be a permanent fixture of the Manhattan lifestyle.
I cannot believe that God would really have some great purporse for me in a city where everyday I am reminded that I don't quite fit, that I am an outsider, a city who's values conflict with every single one of mine on the deepest level, a city who causes me to be so preoccupied with overcoming my own struggles that I have no energy or heart left to give of myself to others.
That is the place I have reached. Before it was a place of "I'll just try harder." Now it is a place of "I can't"--a place where the life that Jesus Christ lived takes on so much more meaning.
A few weeks ago my pastor talked about the following verses from Hebrews 13:
" 12 And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. 13Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore. 14For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come. 15Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of prase--the fruit of lips that confess his name. 16 And do not forget to do good and to share with others , for with such sacrifices God is pleased."
To summarize his teaching on this passage: Verses 15 and 16 command us to love a city that will never thank us or love us back. But where in the world do we get this kind of power? Only when our hearts are changed through an encounter with Jesus Christ. We reach a point where God says, "Do this" and we say "I can't." And God says, "I know, but there's one who already did it in your place." Jesus loved Jerusalem deeply--a city that eventually crucified Him (v. 12)
I've reached a point where "trying harder" just isn't cutting it anymore. Because the things that need to be changed in myself and in others require more than just human will or effort or self-discipline or positive thinking. They require the intercession of a supernatural power. And so I guess it takes coming to the end of ourselves to really understand why Jesus had to live and die the way He did. For every struggle I encounter, the Son of God struggled one hundred fold. He died for people who never understood Him. He loved the very same soldiers who nailed Him to the cross and cast lots for His clothing and mocked Him for claiming he was a king. Will I ever fully understand the power of Jesus' life? Most assuredly not. I do know that any goodness in my own life can only be credited to such a life as His.
"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me..." (Galatians 2:20)
