Ridiculous. I haven't written in over 2 months, and writing just so happens to be one of my very favorite things to do. Why are we like that? Or maybe it's just me. New York has brought out the "taskmaster" Jennifer much more than I ever wanted to see. I mean seriously, I'm always doing all these things that I don't really want to do but feel like I "need" to. Somehow I manage to turn normal activities into stressful events. Let's take reading for example. I love to read books, any and all kinds. For me it's like an escape to another world. I read on the subway, on lunch break, at the park and become a part of the story, practically oblivious to the world around me. You'd think I'd do everything possible to hold onto any morsel of oblivion in such a hectic city. Instead I convince myself of the "need" to be up to speed with current events, politics, educational tidbits and what have you so I end up (begrudgingly) reading Newsweek, or a packet from some past training I went to or (and this is no lie) one time I actually read the manual for my laptop on the train ride to work. Who does that? What is this obsession with filling every waking minute of my day with something constructive and productive?
My mind has been wrestling a lot with the issue of resting...why it's needed, recognizing that I don't do it enough and desparately trying to figure out how to change that. I think it's just going to take some practice and a little trial and error. This week is defintely a good time to start with my roomate being out of town. Probably the most difficult challenge for me is finding a space--one that's safe and free of noise, the fear of interruption and time constraints. Meeting those criteria in Manhattan can often be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Thankfully God is not inhibited by our physical or cultural circumstances--though I often don't feel like I see that power played out as much as I'd like.
There's a Catholic church on 3rd st. that 's open until 8:30, and sometimes I stop in on my way home from work to sit, breathe and remember the bigger picture. No doubt I treasure those moments. The problem is that the times I feel a huge cry coming on or that my sanity is hanging by a thread may not necessarily fall within the hours of 8am to 8:30pm and most likely I will not be happening to walk by an open church at those crucial moments. So, what do you do with that? Well, in my case I've trained myself to hold back the tears, turn off the switch or retreat to stern silent mode [because I know that if anything comes out of my mouth it will not be nice]. I understand now how people become jaded and why New Yorkers carry the stigma of being hard. I'm not saying it's healthy, just that it makes sense.
Right now I'm resting. I'm in the apartment by myself. Avenue C is relatively quiet, and I'm doing something I love (writing) that doesn't feel like a chore. We all need moments like these....and not just once every two months. Often, depending on our circumstances, we must fight for that time and place of rest. Though still trying to overcome that battle, Ifeel blessed in even knowing it's something worth fighting for. As I write this verse keeps running through my head:
"But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ." (2 Cor. 11:3)
(Some outsiders had come to the church of Corinth preaching a very different Jesus than when Paul had taught, so naturally he was concerned):
"For if someone comes to you and preaches a Jesus other than the Jesus we preached, or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received, or a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it easily enough". (v.5)
Another argument for rest would be that we need time to remember the sacred because, let's face it, from the second I walk out my door in the morning I can't look to very many situations or conversations that point to the real Jesus and His gospel. Unfortunately, on this side of eternity, we will never be completely removed from the influences of this world. Even Jesus, when praying for his disciples, said, "I do not ask that you tke them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one" (Jn. 17:15). When I don't seek rest I find my mind being led astray just like Paul talks about. I "put up with easily enough" the gospel of spiritual relativity, of political correctness, of sexual freedom and whatever else is thrown in my face day in and day out.
Ok....I feel like I've just written a long-winded devotional or something. The point is rest = good. Seek it out. Fight for it. Lock yourself in the bathroom. Whatever it takes to remember the purity of devotion to Christ.
