I am in Texas right now because my dad had open heart surgery. He's well on the road to recovery and came back from the hospital today. It's weird because I had been praying for an excuse to come back...not that I wanted it to be heart surgery, but it feels nice to be home, in a place where I can breathe. March and April have consistently been my least favorite months in New York because it's supposed to be Spring but it's not. It's still cold and snowing and my winter coat is disgustingly dirty but I don't wash it because I keep convincing myself that soon I won't be needing it anymore. The city just seems to get more claustrophobic and depressing and my body is screaming for sunlight, warm weather...pretty much all things not winter. Add unemployment to that mix, and the situation definitely calls for a change of scenery.
My favorite part of being back in Texas has been driving and listening to the radio. I forgot how peaceful it feels to be in a car by myself. I've missed being able to wear flip flops in March and enjoy the luxury of living in an actual house with normal-people sized rooms and appliances.
I like not feeling the pressures here that I do in New York. The pressure to get a great job and be somebody and change the world and blah blah blah. I'm just so over it. I'm so over everything being a hassle and crowded and freakin' overrated. I sometimes don't understand why I'm living there. In fact, I'm not really sure where I belong. I wish I could just focus in on something and stick with it. But lately I've been so scattered and restless. My mind keeps going in circles, and if one more person (except for you, Kate:) asks me how the job search is going I think I may scream. I don't have an answer. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know which city I belong in. I don't know which job I belong in. I guess for these next couple of weeks I belong here with my family...and that's about all I can say with certainty.
