Without planning, I managed to show up at the Hudson River just in time for sunset tonight. And, man did I need a sunset. I was attempting to go to Montauk today to be at one with nature, but I managed to sleep through all the trains, so that didn't quite work out. My insides have been screaming for a change of scenery lately, which is why I decided to embark on my East to West walk across Manhattan this evening. Sometimes I think God just leads us to things we need to see...and today it was this piece of serenity in the insanest of cities.My second urban retreat of the day was a diner on the Upper West side followed by a stroll through Barnes & Noble and a final stop at my local coffee shop, Cafe Pick-Me-Up, for a little late night reading. It was no Montauk, but one of the more relaxing days I've had in the city in a while. Tomorrow I'm headed to the North Fork of Long Island to check out the wineries, then Thursday it's Las Vegas or bust to meet up with the mom, aunt and grandma.
Today was the first time I've written for a long while. I wrote at the diner, the coffeeshop and here for the web-surfers' eyes. It seems the floodgates have re-opened. I've had a season of feeling uncreative and stifled, but perhaps that is drawing to a close. Most of what I wrote today was me trying to understand my reasons for living here. Let's be honest, it's been a love-hate relationship from the get-go. It was a tough go at first, and then I began discovering New York's more redemptive qualities: summertime, the East Village, the wear-whatever attitude....so we've shared some long embraces, the City and I. Today was about hashing out the negatives-- those which can be reconciled and those which cannot:
I've concluded that there is a minimum square footage that determines a healthy living space for an individual. Though I don't know the exact number, I am certain my apartment's surface area falls short of it. This ongoing issue of 3+ years will most certainly be reconciled come July 31st when our lease expires and we go in search of more space and less rent in Brooklyn.
There are a few strategic areas (and I fear this number is growing) of the City which exist only to be whored out to tourists. Yes, I did use the word whore because that is how strongly I feel about the matter. These include Herald Square (where my job happens to be located), home of the world's most ginormous Macy's and other supersized retailers; Time Square, home to all things cheesy, commercial and straight up ghetto; Little Italy, where one would be hard-pressed to find any traces of authentic Italian cuisine and is soon to be overtaken by it's neighboring superpower, Chinatown. Even my own neighborhood seems to be changing overnight. I am starting to feel like the old-timer around these part at the ripe old age of 25. Streets that most up-towners had never even heard of before are now home to ultra hip clubs with lines of ultra cool hipsters waiting to get in on "the scene". I first took notice of all these happenings when my favorite neighborhood coffee shop, Lalita Java, became a Cuban restaurant literally overnight. It freaked me out. Lalita was a neighborhood staple and had been for nearly 10 years, long before I ever lived around these parts and long before people were even brave enough to venture into this area. For those unaware of the East Village's history, it has been the longtime home to drug addicts, squaters, protestors...a neighborhood deeply rooted in rebellion and an appreciation of art (think "Re
nt").The question I mulled over today is, "Is this a negative that can be reconciled?" I do not know. On the one hand, change is inevitable, especially in New York City. I remember the tour guide on my Circle Line Cruise once said, "If you don't like New York, just wait a couple years"....making light of it's transcient nature. I was deeply moved by something I read in Tuesdays With Morrie several months ago. He pointed out that every culture has it's problems and that a lot of people run away looking for better only to find a whole new set of problems. The key, he says, is to press in and create your own culture wherever you are. He also said that it's difficult and most people can't do it. I wonder if I've done that here or if it's just too difficult. I wonder if that will ever even happen on a mass scale here. I wonder if my back and forth of "unsettledness" is an indication I simply do not fit this lifestyle or that the best is yet to come. Or maybe it is simply that my idea of God working through me is not the same as His. Will me "loving my neighbor" really help ignite a greater sense of ownership and authenticity here? Is that really even the point? I am unsure. One thing I am certain of is that my place here has little to do with my career, my experiences, my cultural saavy and everything to do with loving and investing in those around me. Ironically, I only recently figured that out.
Lately I've grappled with the alternative, which would be moving back home, to Texas, probably Austin. There are many things I miss about my home state. My family is one of them. But when I think about leaving New York I can't deny the saddness I feel. This is where I have grown up as an adult, if that makes sense. What determines when it's time? Or will it ever be time? The thought of leaving and staying equally freak me out. So, for now I'm going with Morrie's theory-- don't run away. stay. create your own culture.
