When the going gets tough or sad or lonely or any sentiment in that general direction, why does my flight instinct always seem to trump the fight one? Sometimes I am just tired of being around people who don't understand me, who don't share my vision or even want to talk about theirs. Sometimes I am just tired and want to breathe and not to feel like showing my true colors is such a relentless upstream battle. Sometimes I just want to feel known more than the instant I come home at the end of every day. Sometimes I wish those around me would share my longing to be connected with them on the most human of levels. Sometimes I want to see with lenses of redemption to trump the stale and the cold. Sometimes I wish that every time and place was appropriate for depth to be revealed...and most times I wish for possessing no concept of appropriate.
Often I hope to be truly free.
Oct 30, 2008
Oct 27, 2008
Uncovering Truth
Sometimes I just get into these moods where I'm frustrated and hyper-critical about everything and nothing in particular. I've been on this kick lately about people acting fake. It's like I notice it in one person and all of a sudden the whole damn city seems full of phonies to me. Even at church. I take that back....most especially at church. The thing is, I do love people on an individual level. I mean, we're all human and we have pasts and cool stories of redemption and funny quirks and all that stuff. But sometimes in the collective, people just act straight up ridiculous and I just want to shake them and say, "cut the bullshit already!"
And in New York especially I just feel like people can't relax. Everyone's got to put on their cool face and look sharp and speak intellectually and exude whatever it is they think they should be. It can be absolutely exhausting.
Tonight at church, the sermon was about marriage and the man and woman's roles within that context, and I like what he had to say but at the same time felt a little bit discouraged. I don't think that very many people in this city have faith in marriage, and sometimes I'm not sure I do either. I mean, in theory I think I do. But I also think that people are inundated with so many bad messages about marriage (among other things), they're unable to wrap their minds around its goodness. I don't know why that makes me sad, but it does. People here are so hardened. Maybe everyone is, I just think it's here because this is where I happened to land when the scales of idealism finally fell from my eyes.
And in New York especially I just feel like people can't relax. Everyone's got to put on their cool face and look sharp and speak intellectually and exude whatever it is they think they should be. It can be absolutely exhausting.
Tonight at church, the sermon was about marriage and the man and woman's roles within that context, and I like what he had to say but at the same time felt a little bit discouraged. I don't think that very many people in this city have faith in marriage, and sometimes I'm not sure I do either. I mean, in theory I think I do. But I also think that people are inundated with so many bad messages about marriage (among other things), they're unable to wrap their minds around its goodness. I don't know why that makes me sad, but it does. People here are so hardened. Maybe everyone is, I just think it's here because this is where I happened to land when the scales of idealism finally fell from my eyes.
Oct 11, 2008
Being
So on Tuesday I called in sick (which I really was) and was a bit struck by the anxiety/guilt/whatever you wanna call it I felt at the prospect of having nothing to do. I logged into my work e-mail account only to quickly sign off upon realizing that the whole point of taking a sick day is to rest and not work. But what is it that 1.)makes us feel guilty for not being "productive"? and
2) causes anxiety and maybe even a slight loss of self when there is nothing to busy ourselves with? Is it an American thing? A human thing? A cultural/environmental thing? I'm not exactly sure, but it made me think of a couple books by Christian authors that I've read in the past few months. Here's what they had to say about this issue:
I would go into a depression.
By the afternoon I would be so...low.
I realized that my life was all about keeping the adrenaline buzz going and that I was only really happy when I was going all the time. When I stopped to spend a day to remember that I am loved just because I exist, I found out how much of my efforts were about earning something I already have.
Sabbath is taking a day a week to remind myself that i did not make the world and that it will continue to exist without my efforts.
Sabbath is a day when my work is done, even if it isn't.
Sabbath is a day when my job is to enjoy. Period.
Sabbath is a day when I am fully available to myself and those I love most.
Sabbath is a day when I produce nothing.
Sabbath is a day when I remind myself that I am not a machine.
Sabbath is a day when at the end I say, "I didn't do anything today," and I don't add, "And I feel so guilty."
It is so hard to look deep inside yourself. My experience has been that very few people do the long, hard work of the soul.
- Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith
"If I try to hold still, my soul reacts like a feather in the afternoon breeze, flitting from place to place without purpose or direction. Theologians refer to this condition as "ontological lightness," the reality that when I stop "doing" and simply listen to my heart, I am not anchored to anything substantive. I become aware that my very identity is synonymous with activity.
In order to learn who we really are, we must have a place in our lives where we are removed from the materialism, entertainment, diversion, and busyness that the Vanity Fair of our society and culture immerse us in. As we leave these less-wild lovers behind and enter into solitude and silence in our own desert place, the first thing we encounter is not rest, but fear, and a compulsion to return to activity. In The Ascent to Truth, Thomas Merton says,
'We look for rest & if we find it, it becomes intolerable. Incapable of the divine activity which alone can satisfy...fallen man flings himself upon exterior things, not so much for their own sake as for the sake of agitation which keeps his spirit pleasantly numb...[The distraction] diverts us aside from the one thing that can help us to being our ascent to truth...the sense of our own emptiness.'
Brent Curtis & John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance
Today I've eaten breakfast with my roommate, played with my cat, and talked politics and other things with my dad over the phone. It's almost 3:00 on a Saturday afternoon, and I am still sitting in bed in my pajamas. It's a beautiful day, the sun is streaming through my windows and yet I don't feel in any sort of rush to be anywhere or do anything. That, my friends, is a Sabbath well spent.
2) causes anxiety and maybe even a slight loss of self when there is nothing to busy ourselves with? Is it an American thing? A human thing? A cultural/environmental thing? I'm not exactly sure, but it made me think of a couple books by Christian authors that I've read in the past few months. Here's what they had to say about this issue:
"There are many layers to the healing of the soul. One practice that has brought incredible healing is the taking of a Sabbath...I have learned the real issue behind the Sabbath isn't which day of the week it is but how we live all the time.
I decided to start taking one day a week to cease from work. And what I discovered is that I couldn't even do it at first.I would go into a depression.
By the afternoon I would be so...low.
I realized that my life was all about keeping the adrenaline buzz going and that I was only really happy when I was going all the time. When I stopped to spend a day to remember that I am loved just because I exist, I found out how much of my efforts were about earning something I already have.
Sabbath is taking a day a week to remind myself that i did not make the world and that it will continue to exist without my efforts.
Sabbath is a day when my work is done, even if it isn't.
Sabbath is a day when my job is to enjoy. Period.
Sabbath is a day when I am fully available to myself and those I love most.
Sabbath is a day when I produce nothing.
Sabbath is a day when I remind myself that I am not a machine.
Sabbath is a day when at the end I say, "I didn't do anything today," and I don't add, "And I feel so guilty."
It is so hard to look deep inside yourself. My experience has been that very few people do the long, hard work of the soul.
- Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith
"If I try to hold still, my soul reacts like a feather in the afternoon breeze, flitting from place to place without purpose or direction. Theologians refer to this condition as "ontological lightness," the reality that when I stop "doing" and simply listen to my heart, I am not anchored to anything substantive. I become aware that my very identity is synonymous with activity.
In order to learn who we really are, we must have a place in our lives where we are removed from the materialism, entertainment, diversion, and busyness that the Vanity Fair of our society and culture immerse us in. As we leave these less-wild lovers behind and enter into solitude and silence in our own desert place, the first thing we encounter is not rest, but fear, and a compulsion to return to activity. In The Ascent to Truth, Thomas Merton says,
'We look for rest & if we find it, it becomes intolerable. Incapable of the divine activity which alone can satisfy...fallen man flings himself upon exterior things, not so much for their own sake as for the sake of agitation which keeps his spirit pleasantly numb...[The distraction] diverts us aside from the one thing that can help us to being our ascent to truth...the sense of our own emptiness.'
Brent Curtis & John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance
Today I've eaten breakfast with my roommate, played with my cat, and talked politics and other things with my dad over the phone. It's almost 3:00 on a Saturday afternoon, and I am still sitting in bed in my pajamas. It's a beautiful day, the sun is streaming through my windows and yet I don't feel in any sort of rush to be anywhere or do anything. That, my friends, is a Sabbath well spent.
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