More of the Same of the Winter and Such

Today was a day of much waiting on trains and waiting on trains some more. I'm in official mourning for the existence of winter, particularly this winter. My nails are painted dark, I push snooze at least 5 times every morning, come straight home after work and am refusing to exercise until it's warm enough to run outside. It's felt freeing to resign to the reality that very few things are redeeming at this point in the year.

I'm officially going to South America for 2 weeks in May, and I am so freakin' excited. My main mission will entail: 1) getting tan on the beaches of Rio and 2) finding myself a Latin lover to bring back as a souvenir. What can I say, I'm an ambitious gal.

I've been trying to fight a disconnected feeling lately. Sometimes I feel like there is a deep, underlying resistance to my truly settling in this city. It's more the sense that I never feel completely "at home." I'll have these moments where I stop and think about how far away I am from where I grew up and my family and year-round warm weather and people who say "y'all" and people who care more about high school sports than politics. I worry that I hold back to0 much here and try so hard to exude a certain image that I've lost my own in the process. It's a legit fear, I think.

There's this word that comes to mind a lot every since reading about it last year. It's a Hebrew word called "T'shuva", and it means both repentance and returning home (as in to old customs and values). The author Rob Bell talks about it as a call to be who we were created to be, our "first self" so to speak. I like that. I want that. I need that.

Orange Cats and Physics Profs

This is my cat Rudy:


He is quite adorable. Maybe even the most adorable cat ever. But all that cuteness can be deceiving. Let's see, in the past day he has managed to de-thread my new rug, knock over my trash can and break the full length mirror in my bedroom. He is a little terrorist/con artist in the making. Who would expect such evil from a face like that? He was found in a dumpster in the Bronx (aww..can you believe that?), so I think the street cat Rudy has been comin' on full force..

In other news, tonight I went to hear the author of this book speak at the Tenement Museum:

The subtitle reads:

"How we got from the company man, family dinners and Affluent Society to the Home Office, BlackBerry Moms, and Economic Anxiety."

So, being the Sociology major that I am, I naturally had to attend this event. That and the fact that my actual work very rarely requires that I think deeply about things I'm interested in...or really anything.

I met a nice old man there named Bernie. He's a retired NYU physics professor and apparently had never made it down to the Lower East Side after all these years. He treated me to a cup of coffee afterward (think grandfather figure, not dirty old man) and we talked about the book event and his family and he gave me some good wisdom about grad schools. It was really refreshing.

It is almost 1am, and I am going to hate myself in the morning. I pull this stunt pretty much every single night--promising that I'll make it to bed by 11, not following through and then wanting to kick mysel the next day at work. What's an inherent night owl to do?

Truth be told, I like staying up late because this is when I start to feel most alive. I've always had issues with anxiety, particularly in the mornings. It's kind of like that nervous/stressed feeling you get before taking a big test or going on an interview--except I feel that every day. I don't know if that's normal. Not that I care a whole lot about being "normal" (whatever that is), it just might be nice to know that someone else gets what I'm talking about. Usually a couple hours into my work day it starts to fade. And it's good knowing it will fade, but it can also get kind of exhausting going through the same emotional routine every morning.

I used to just pray that it would go away, and I wanted to just curl up in a ball until it did. But lately I've been trying to understand a bit more about what God has to say about weakness. Apparently, these sorts of things are actually strengths in His world. If only I could wrap my mind around that kind of truth. I'm trying...to learn how to look at my flaws, my burdens as gain, as acknowledgement that He is most strong when I am not. I look forward to keeping you posted on how that goes...

Singin' the Wintertime Blues

I'm in the middle of the cruelest winter since moving here 4 and a half years ago. It's dark and freezing and there's not even a place nearby to order takeout from. And did I mention I'm tired of my face hurting every time I walk to the subway? It's ridiculous feeling like a brisk 5 minute walk to the train requires full combat gear.

It's not like I haven't been through this season before, and if there's one thing I've learned it's that there's no changing things. You just gotta grit your teeth, pray that it will be over soon, and hold on for dear life to the things that comfort and feel like home: food, friends, favorite bars, Gossip Girl, red wine, and boyfriend if you're lucky enough to have one during these harsh arctic months.

At this point, I'd be ok with staying in my apartment by the heater (not that it actually works on regular basis) until the weather is at least a tolerable 53 degrees again. But alas, life must go on. It must be the weather that makes me so freakin' homesick this time of year. I remembered blogging about home a while back and, as irony would have it, I wrote that entry exactly 4 years ago to the date. Weird, right? I guess the winter funk is a legit thing: Home Field Advantage

Seriously though, this puffy down comforter is calling my name. If I'm lucky, it will be summer when I wake up.