I've been feeling down in the dumps for the past few days. Maybe a combination of PMS, burnout at work, and something else that's too stupid to discuss. Anyways, reading my friend Christian's journal reminded me that I too have a list of things that make me happy. Those who know me well also know that just the act of making a list gives me great pleasure...it truly is an art form. All that to say I managed to dig up last year's list to share with you peoples (all 1 of you, since that's the average number of comments I seem to be getting on my blogs these days). Ok, Ok, without further ado, I present:
Things that Make me Feel Alive
1. being with and laughing with my family (most especially during trips in mom's minivan)
2. having deep conversations (preferably over coffee) about spirituality, society, relationships,..
3. being in Kayron's neighborhood and playing with the kids; hugging her little brother
Michael (side note: Kayron is the girl I mentored during college)
4. playing volleyball
5. listening to live music
6. writing
7. traveling to new places
8. girl-bonding
9. laying outside to look at the stars (and for the record, last year I actually camped out in my
own backyard--tent and everything)
10. playing softball on a perfect spring day (with my dad)
11. riding my bike down Villa Maria Rd. in Bryan, TX right before sunset.
12. bare feet on green grass (preferably doing cartwheels)
13. a day on the boat at Canyon Lake
14. eating coconut ice cream in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, the most beautiful beach in the world
15. laughing hysterically with my best friend Kim
So clearly I could add about 2 million things to this list, but for now 15 will have to do. I'm not too sure how much that did for my mood, but having happy memories to smile about--I wouldn't trade that for the world.
Mar 29, 2005
Mar 20, 2005
Crotchety
So I have this client at work who may be the most crotchety old man I have ever met. He reminds me a lot of my grandpa as he neared his final years of life. Phrases like, "I ain't worth a damn" became normal parts of his vocabulary, and the family learned to cope by a roll of the eyes or playing along w/ his game of pity.
All that to say my client is Grandpa times 12 (at least). Nothing's ever going right. According to him he is always "going out the world backwards." Like a good social worker I try to sit down w/ him and listen and create a neat and tidy goal sheet for his life...yeah right. This man served in the military for 15 years and the last thing he wants is another "boss" (his affectionate term for me) telling him what to do. He's constantly complaining about how hungry he is so I sign him up for our free lunch program. Later when I go downstairs to check on him he's declaring the lunch tastes like "dog food." I try to sit with him and make up a service plan:
Do you want to find a psychiatrist?
"No, ain't nothin' wrong with me."
Would you like to join an alcohol support group?
"No!"
Would you like to reconnect with your son?
"No. Well....yes, but only on my own terms. I'm not going all the way to New Jersey to visit him. I'll call him when I want to."
We have to go back to housing court in a couple weeks.
"I ain't goin' to any more court! I'm tired of people shuffling me around. I just want everyone to leave me alone..I don't want any new friends....I just want to be left alone!"
And so the story goes.... He was frustrated, and I was frustrated b/c I just didn't get it. How can someone possibly not want any meaningful relationships in his life? There's got to be more to it. Is he suicidal? I wonder. Maybe he's pushing people away as a cry for help. Being at a complete loss, I went to my supervisor and dumped all of my theories on her. To which she replied, "Well, he's 72. Maybe he's just a crotchety old man." Oh. You're probably right.
Maybe when I'm 72 I'll have a better understanding of crotchety-ness...though I feel as though I've gotten an early glimpse in the past few weeks. I make the hour-long commute to work every morning on a crowded subway. At work I am surrounded by and interacting w/ co-workers and clients for 8 hours a day. I make the journey back on another crowded train and come home to a tiny apartment that I share with two other people. Since I have had a string of visitors for about the past 3 weeks straight, my evenings have been filled with going out to dinner, celebrating St. Patrick's day, coordinating times and schedules w/ other friends who have visitors in town....do you see where I'm going with all of this?
I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone or hear my phone ring or have somewhere to be. I am dying for solitude. For a few precious hours I want to forget that I live in the world's most crowded city and that I share a room the size of a glorified shoebox and that I sleep on the top of a bunkbed and that the only place I can go and be sure that I won't be disturbed or walked in on is the bathroom. That is all I'm asking for.....a place where I can just BE....where I can sing or yell or cry as loud and long as I damn well please and don't have to answer to anyone or anything. All I've gotta' say is that if I don't find this place soon I'm going to bust. There will be some sort of eruption, and I fear for whoever is around to see it. Am I crotchety? You better believe I am.
And as for my client, who can really blame the man? If I'm feeling like this at 23 I can only imagine what 72 must be like. Consider his request to be left alone granted.
I, on the other hand, have somewhere to be in 30 minutes.....
All that to say my client is Grandpa times 12 (at least). Nothing's ever going right. According to him he is always "going out the world backwards." Like a good social worker I try to sit down w/ him and listen and create a neat and tidy goal sheet for his life...yeah right. This man served in the military for 15 years and the last thing he wants is another "boss" (his affectionate term for me) telling him what to do. He's constantly complaining about how hungry he is so I sign him up for our free lunch program. Later when I go downstairs to check on him he's declaring the lunch tastes like "dog food." I try to sit with him and make up a service plan:
Do you want to find a psychiatrist?
"No, ain't nothin' wrong with me."
Would you like to join an alcohol support group?
"No!"
Would you like to reconnect with your son?
"No. Well....yes, but only on my own terms. I'm not going all the way to New Jersey to visit him. I'll call him when I want to."
We have to go back to housing court in a couple weeks.
"I ain't goin' to any more court! I'm tired of people shuffling me around. I just want everyone to leave me alone..I don't want any new friends....I just want to be left alone!"
And so the story goes.... He was frustrated, and I was frustrated b/c I just didn't get it. How can someone possibly not want any meaningful relationships in his life? There's got to be more to it. Is he suicidal? I wonder. Maybe he's pushing people away as a cry for help. Being at a complete loss, I went to my supervisor and dumped all of my theories on her. To which she replied, "Well, he's 72. Maybe he's just a crotchety old man." Oh. You're probably right.
Maybe when I'm 72 I'll have a better understanding of crotchety-ness...though I feel as though I've gotten an early glimpse in the past few weeks. I make the hour-long commute to work every morning on a crowded subway. At work I am surrounded by and interacting w/ co-workers and clients for 8 hours a day. I make the journey back on another crowded train and come home to a tiny apartment that I share with two other people. Since I have had a string of visitors for about the past 3 weeks straight, my evenings have been filled with going out to dinner, celebrating St. Patrick's day, coordinating times and schedules w/ other friends who have visitors in town....do you see where I'm going with all of this?
I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone or hear my phone ring or have somewhere to be. I am dying for solitude. For a few precious hours I want to forget that I live in the world's most crowded city and that I share a room the size of a glorified shoebox and that I sleep on the top of a bunkbed and that the only place I can go and be sure that I won't be disturbed or walked in on is the bathroom. That is all I'm asking for.....a place where I can just BE....where I can sing or yell or cry as loud and long as I damn well please and don't have to answer to anyone or anything. All I've gotta' say is that if I don't find this place soon I'm going to bust. There will be some sort of eruption, and I fear for whoever is around to see it. Am I crotchety? You better believe I am.
And as for my client, who can really blame the man? If I'm feeling like this at 23 I can only imagine what 72 must be like. Consider his request to be left alone granted.
I, on the other hand, have somewhere to be in 30 minutes.....
Mar 6, 2005
Chill Pill
Saturdays never seem to be very eventful. I wake up with great intentions of exploring all that NYC has to offer and end up staying in my apartment for most of the day. Today I woke up around 11:00 still feeling the effects of NyQuil. I bummed around for a while and finally took a shower around 1:30. Then I bummed around some more trying to figure out how on earth I could feel tired after 10 hours of sleep.
To wake myself up I headed over to Union Square to do some shopping. Big mistake. Let me tell you how shopping in Manhattan works on any given weekend:
- walk into the store excited b/c you haven't bought new clothes in a while and you have a little extra spending money in your pocket
- pick out a few items that catch your eye
- go to the fitting room only to realize that at least 15 people are waiting in line ahead of you, not to mention the other 15 that you'll have to wait behind should you decide to buy something.
- examine the items in your hand, realizing your time and peace of mind are worth far more than the orange sequined shirt you're holding
-ditch the clothes and leave, remembering why you were so reluctant to leave the apartment in the first place
This is why I have to constantly monitor my anxiety level in this city. Because normal activities (like shopping) that were at one point in time enjoyable are now activities to be avoided like the plague. So I think from now on my weekend outings will be limited to walking, eating out, listening to live music and hanging out at friends' apartments. And if at any time one of these causes me unnecessary stress it will be immediately removed from the list, no questions asked.
Speaking of live music, Alex Andrew, Summer, Kurt and I listened to a rockin' blues band at 55 Bar tonight. There was a big black lady named "Sweet Georgia Brown" singing......needless to say, good times were had by all. We also ate "mexican" food at Caliente which filled me up but didn't quite measure up to the high standards of savory Tex-Mex cuisine (hence the quotes).
I'm falling in and out of consciousness so I think it's time to say goodnight. Gotta' rest up for day one of my new "strategery": mastering a stress-free lifestyle in the world's most hectic city...more details to come.
To wake myself up I headed over to Union Square to do some shopping. Big mistake. Let me tell you how shopping in Manhattan works on any given weekend:
- walk into the store excited b/c you haven't bought new clothes in a while and you have a little extra spending money in your pocket
- pick out a few items that catch your eye
- go to the fitting room only to realize that at least 15 people are waiting in line ahead of you, not to mention the other 15 that you'll have to wait behind should you decide to buy something.
- examine the items in your hand, realizing your time and peace of mind are worth far more than the orange sequined shirt you're holding
-ditch the clothes and leave, remembering why you were so reluctant to leave the apartment in the first place
This is why I have to constantly monitor my anxiety level in this city. Because normal activities (like shopping) that were at one point in time enjoyable are now activities to be avoided like the plague. So I think from now on my weekend outings will be limited to walking, eating out, listening to live music and hanging out at friends' apartments. And if at any time one of these causes me unnecessary stress it will be immediately removed from the list, no questions asked.
Speaking of live music, Alex Andrew, Summer, Kurt and I listened to a rockin' blues band at 55 Bar tonight. There was a big black lady named "Sweet Georgia Brown" singing......needless to say, good times were had by all. We also ate "mexican" food at Caliente which filled me up but didn't quite measure up to the high standards of savory Tex-Mex cuisine (hence the quotes).
I'm falling in and out of consciousness so I think it's time to say goodnight. Gotta' rest up for day one of my new "strategery": mastering a stress-free lifestyle in the world's most hectic city...more details to come.
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