Crotchety

So I have this client at work who may be the most crotchety old man I have ever met. He reminds me a lot of my grandpa as he neared his final years of life. Phrases like, "I ain't worth a damn" became normal parts of his vocabulary, and the family learned to cope by a roll of the eyes or playing along w/ his game of pity.

All that to say my client is Grandpa times 12 (at least). Nothing's ever going right. According to him he is always "going out the world backwards." Like a good social worker I try to sit down w/ him and listen and create a neat and tidy goal sheet for his life...yeah right. This man served in the military for 15 years and the last thing he wants is another "boss" (his affectionate term for me) telling him what to do. He's constantly complaining about how hungry he is so I sign him up for our free lunch program. Later when I go downstairs to check on him he's declaring the lunch tastes like "dog food." I try to sit with him and make up a service plan:

Do you want to find a psychiatrist?
"No, ain't nothin' wrong with me."
Would you like to join an alcohol support group?
"No!"
Would you like to reconnect with your son?
"No. Well....yes, but only on my own terms. I'm not going all the way to New Jersey to visit him. I'll call him when I want to."
We have to go back to housing court in a couple weeks.
"I ain't goin' to any more court! I'm tired of people shuffling me around. I just want everyone to leave me alone..I don't want any new friends....I just want to be left alone!"

And so the story goes.... He was frustrated, and I was frustrated b/c I just didn't get it. How can someone possibly not want any meaningful relationships in his life? There's got to be more to it. Is he suicidal? I wonder. Maybe he's pushing people away as a cry for help. Being at a complete loss, I went to my supervisor and dumped all of my theories on her. To which she replied, "Well, he's 72. Maybe he's just a crotchety old man." Oh. You're probably right.

Maybe when I'm 72 I'll have a better understanding of crotchety-ness...though I feel as though I've gotten an early glimpse in the past few weeks. I make the hour-long commute to work every morning on a crowded subway. At work I am surrounded by and interacting w/ co-workers and clients for 8 hours a day. I make the journey back on another crowded train and come home to a tiny apartment that I share with two other people. Since I have had a string of visitors for about the past 3 weeks straight, my evenings have been filled with going out to dinner, celebrating St. Patrick's day, coordinating times and schedules w/ other friends who have visitors in town....do you see where I'm going with all of this?

I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone or hear my phone ring or have somewhere to be. I am dying for solitude. For a few precious hours I want to forget that I live in the world's most crowded city and that I share a room the size of a glorified shoebox and that I sleep on the top of a bunkbed and that the only place I can go and be sure that I won't be disturbed or walked in on is the bathroom. That is all I'm asking for.....a place where I can just BE....where I can sing or yell or cry as loud and long as I damn well please and don't have to answer to anyone or anything. All I've gotta' say is that if I don't find this place soon I'm going to bust. There will be some sort of eruption, and I fear for whoever is around to see it. Am I crotchety? You better believe I am.

And as for my client, who can really blame the man? If I'm feeling like this at 23 I can only imagine what 72 must be like. Consider his request to be left alone granted.
I, on the other hand, have somewhere to be in 30 minutes.....