I have the apartment to myself for the next week, and so far I feel like a teenager whose parents have left for vacation-- freedom! Not that Kari acts like my mom or anything, it's just nice being as loud and naked as I want. Umm....so let's see, here's what's been going on:
Job-- was having a bad attitude for a while, but then I started to get my ass in gear a bit more and continue to find more redeeming things about working in HR. Plus, it pays the bills and allows me to have a social life, so how bad can that be, right?
Social-- it has been a holiday season of visitors and me being spoiled by family members who've come in town. After the mad Thanksgiving rush of visitors I've had some time to do normal things like come home right after work, go running and cook dinner. Good times. I felt very artsy fartsy this weekend as I went to a musical on Friday night called Serenade, and the Juilliard end-of-semester dance performance last night. My Texas crew (Jules, Kari, Sarah, Moni) are all still here and keeping me grounded.
Spiritual/Mental-- I've actually been trying out some daily spiritual disciplines, mostly stemming from a recent surge of anxiety that came pretty much out of nowhere. I'm reading a book called Exchange Your Worries for God's Perfect Peace which I know sounds like some completely cheesy book one might order from an infomercial. But it's helped remind me of who God is in the midst of feeling un-anchored. I haven't been real big on church attendance lately, but am still very committed to my small group that meets weekly.
Travel-- It has been the month-o-travel as I've been to Texas twice for friends' weddings (Christian & Carlos) with a stop in Vegas in between. Grandma definitely won more money than I did on the slots. I think I would like to finally cross an ocean at some point in 2008. Oh yeah, and I'm heading to Texas next Saturday, so hang out with me!
Men-- Still find myself having totally unrealistic crushes and going on lots of dates that don't amount to relationships. That seems to be the New York way--though still holding on to the hope that I will eventually meet someone I'd want to write home about. In the meantime, I've actually learned a lot from every guy that I've been out with, not just about the other person but about myself (primarily my dating weirdnesses) and how to navigate uncomfortable conversation topics and differing perspectives...so that's all good and I have no regrets.
Reading-- I am currently reading Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison, and it is fabulous so far. I am also a new subscriber to Rolling Stone magazine.
Christmas Shopping-- I have not done this yet and should probably get on that.
Ok, I am running out of topics. Nighty night.
Dec 16, 2007
Nov 4, 2007
Urban Retreat
Without planning, I managed to show up at the Hudson River just in time for sunset tonight. And, man did I need a sunset. I was attempting to go to Montauk today to be at one with nature, but I managed to sleep through all the trains, so that didn't quite work out. My insides have been screaming for a change of scenery lately, which is why I decided to embark on my East to West walk across Manhattan this evening. Sometimes I think God just leads us to things we need to see...and today it was this piece of serenity in the insanest of cities.My second urban retreat of the day was a diner on the Upper West side followed by a stroll through Barnes & Noble and a final stop at my local coffee shop, Cafe Pick-Me-Up, for a little late night reading. It was no Montauk, but one of the more relaxing days I've had in the city in a while. Tomorrow I'm headed to the North Fork of Long Island to check out the wineries, then Thursday it's Las Vegas or bust to meet up with the mom, aunt and grandma.
Today was the first time I've written for a long while. I wrote at the diner, the coffeeshop and here for the web-surfers' eyes. It seems the floodgates have re-opened. I've had a season of feeling uncreative and stifled, but perhaps that is drawing to a close. Most of what I wrote today was me trying to understand my reasons for living here. Let's be honest, it's been a love-hate relationship from the get-go. It was a tough go at first, and then I began discovering New York's more redemptive qualities: summertime, the East Village, the wear-whatever attitude....so we've shared some long embraces, the City and I. Today was about hashing out the negatives-- those which can be reconciled and those which cannot:
I've concluded that there is a minimum square footage that determines a healthy living space for an individual. Though I don't know the exact number, I am certain my apartment's surface area falls short of it. This ongoing issue of 3+ years will most certainly be reconciled come July 31st when our lease expires and we go in search of more space and less rent in Brooklyn.
There are a few strategic areas (and I fear this number is growing) of the City which exist only to be whored out to tourists. Yes, I did use the word whore because that is how strongly I feel about the matter. These include Herald Square (where my job happens to be located), home of the world's most ginormous Macy's and other supersized retailers; Time Square, home to all things cheesy, commercial and straight up ghetto; Little Italy, where one would be hard-pressed to find any traces of authentic Italian cuisine and is soon to be overtaken by it's neighboring superpower, Chinatown. Even my own neighborhood seems to be changing overnight. I am starting to feel like the old-timer around these part at the ripe old age of 25. Streets that most up-towners had never even heard of before are now home to ultra hip clubs with lines of ultra cool hipsters waiting to get in on "the scene". I first took notice of all these happenings when my favorite neighborhood coffee shop, Lalita Java, became a Cuban restaurant literally overnight. It freaked me out. Lalita was a neighborhood staple and had been for nearly 10 years, long before I ever lived around these parts and long before people were even brave enough to venture into this area. For those unaware of the East Village's history, it has been the longtime home to drug addicts, squaters, protestors...a neighborhood deeply rooted in rebellion and an appreciation of art (think "Re
nt").The question I mulled over today is, "Is this a negative that can be reconciled?" I do not know. On the one hand, change is inevitable, especially in New York City. I remember the tour guide on my Circle Line Cruise once said, "If you don't like New York, just wait a couple years"....making light of it's transcient nature. I was deeply moved by something I read in Tuesdays With Morrie several months ago. He pointed out that every culture has it's problems and that a lot of people run away looking for better only to find a whole new set of problems. The key, he says, is to press in and create your own culture wherever you are. He also said that it's difficult and most people can't do it. I wonder if I've done that here or if it's just too difficult. I wonder if that will ever even happen on a mass scale here. I wonder if my back and forth of "unsettledness" is an indication I simply do not fit this lifestyle or that the best is yet to come. Or maybe it is simply that my idea of God working through me is not the same as His. Will me "loving my neighbor" really help ignite a greater sense of ownership and authenticity here? Is that really even the point? I am unsure. One thing I am certain of is that my place here has little to do with my career, my experiences, my cultural saavy and everything to do with loving and investing in those around me. Ironically, I only recently figured that out.
Lately I've grappled with the alternative, which would be moving back home, to Texas, probably Austin. There are many things I miss about my home state. My family is one of them. But when I think about leaving New York I can't deny the saddness I feel. This is where I have grown up as an adult, if that makes sense. What determines when it's time? Or will it ever be time? The thought of leaving and staying equally freak me out. So, for now I'm going with Morrie's theory-- don't run away. stay. create your own culture.
Sep 3, 2007
Book Smarts and Radical Grace
So sad to see my long 4-day weekend come to a close. I didn't really get around to half of the things on my ambitious list of adventures to partake in, but overall I feel rested....and resting is what weekends are for. It's funny because I always have grand ideas of activities I want to do and places I want to explore in NYC and beyond, and yet when it comes down to it, one of the most fulfilling things I end up doing with my time off is sitting in the park and reading. Simple pleasures always seem to win out in the end.
Today I just finished Unhooked by Laura Sessions. It's basically about the hookup culture of my generation and how it's disabling us from developing authentic, healthy romantic relationships with the opposite sex. I do agree with her on many points, and the facts are quite disturbing. But I see such a different model for relationships among Christians (not that they're perfect either), that it keeps me hopeful there will still continue to be models of true love rooted in complete respect for another. And, at the book's end, the author does point out that those with spiritual roots are less likely to take part in to the hookup culture...so that's that. If she would have just interviewed me from the get go, I probably could have helped her come to that conclusion a little earlier in the game.
I may love buying new books as much as I love the actual reading of them. I found two books to purchase at a local garage sale (or I guess I should say "street sale" as Manhattan is not conducive to people having actual garages) and was ready to offer 10 bucks for the both when the Puerto Rican gentleman informed me it would be $2. "Each?", I asked. "No, one dollar per book", he replied. I had no idea deals like that even existed in this city. Needless to say, I was beaming all the way back to my apartment with my two classics in hand: Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, and Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man.
The irony of my love for reading is that, at the end of the day, I never feel quite book smart enough to be living here. I was especially aware of this at a BBQ I went to today....lawyer on my right, finance guru on my left, architect across from me. I didn't feel like I had much to contribute to the conversation. I know I'm intelligent, just not in the same way as a lot of the people here. They are intellectuals. I have social smarts. I know that's ok, but it seems Northeasterners tend to value the former more than the latter, which often leaves me frustrated and sometimes disconnected feeling. It's almost like the people in this city are so accustomed to having to produce to feel accepted, to "prove" they have something to offer as if what's already there is not enough. I can better sympathize with the struggle my cousin faced in her two years of grad school here....always sensing the value she held to her classmates depended on the quickness of her responses in the classroom, the depth of her opinions, and often, the liberalness of her views. I pray that others would never feel like they have to "try" in my presence....that they would feel free to just be.
Maybe that is why God's grace is so difficult to accept....because we are so used to striving for others' approval that we cannot imagine someone loving us simply for being alive.
Today I just finished Unhooked by Laura Sessions. It's basically about the hookup culture of my generation and how it's disabling us from developing authentic, healthy romantic relationships with the opposite sex. I do agree with her on many points, and the facts are quite disturbing. But I see such a different model for relationships among Christians (not that they're perfect either), that it keeps me hopeful there will still continue to be models of true love rooted in complete respect for another. And, at the book's end, the author does point out that those with spiritual roots are less likely to take part in to the hookup culture...so that's that. If she would have just interviewed me from the get go, I probably could have helped her come to that conclusion a little earlier in the game.
I may love buying new books as much as I love the actual reading of them. I found two books to purchase at a local garage sale (or I guess I should say "street sale" as Manhattan is not conducive to people having actual garages) and was ready to offer 10 bucks for the both when the Puerto Rican gentleman informed me it would be $2. "Each?", I asked. "No, one dollar per book", he replied. I had no idea deals like that even existed in this city. Needless to say, I was beaming all the way back to my apartment with my two classics in hand: Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, and Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man.
The irony of my love for reading is that, at the end of the day, I never feel quite book smart enough to be living here. I was especially aware of this at a BBQ I went to today....lawyer on my right, finance guru on my left, architect across from me. I didn't feel like I had much to contribute to the conversation. I know I'm intelligent, just not in the same way as a lot of the people here. They are intellectuals. I have social smarts. I know that's ok, but it seems Northeasterners tend to value the former more than the latter, which often leaves me frustrated and sometimes disconnected feeling. It's almost like the people in this city are so accustomed to having to produce to feel accepted, to "prove" they have something to offer as if what's already there is not enough. I can better sympathize with the struggle my cousin faced in her two years of grad school here....always sensing the value she held to her classmates depended on the quickness of her responses in the classroom, the depth of her opinions, and often, the liberalness of her views. I pray that others would never feel like they have to "try" in my presence....that they would feel free to just be.
Maybe that is why God's grace is so difficult to accept....because we are so used to striving for others' approval that we cannot imagine someone loving us simply for being alive.
Aug 25, 2007
I've Been Tagged
The Rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Here are my 8 random factoids:
1. I love bologna....I think I'm the only person who still orders the cold cut trio at Subway. When I was younger, my dad used to heat it up in a frying pan for breakfast, and I'd put it on my English muffin...to die for.
2. I took karate for 3 years in high school and got all the way to brown belt, so I guess you could say I have ninja skills (though secretly I don't really remember much of what I learned). I do remember that my favorite move was that mantis hand....supposedly your hand looks like a praying mantis when you do it. If you're lucky, I'll demo for you sometime.
3. I'm currently wearing a lovely black velcro boot on my foot that looks like a flipper one might wear to go scuba diving (only a bit shorter). I somehow managed to get a stress fracture, so I've been hobbling around NYC for the past few weeks....I'll post a pic of this lovely fashion accessory on my next blog.
4. I still think picking my boogers (not in public, of course) is a really rewarding practice.
5. Ever since seeing the movie Space Camp in 3rd grade I wanted to be an astronaut. Seriously, all the way through high school...until I realized I'm not so great at physics and engineering (which, according to my high school teacher, is what one needs to study to become an astronaut)
6. Sometimes I pretend my life is a movie, and I think about exactly how I want each scene to be played out.....keeps things interesting.
7. If I could sing like a black woman, I'd totally be in a gospel choir (lead, of course)
8. I have never seen The Princess Bride (which, apparently, makes me un-American or something)
Ok, those are my factoids. Here are the peeps I'm tagging: Asian Kate, Fens, Luke, Alex (4 will have to suffice b/c I can't think of anymore people w/ blogs)
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Here are my 8 random factoids:
1. I love bologna....I think I'm the only person who still orders the cold cut trio at Subway. When I was younger, my dad used to heat it up in a frying pan for breakfast, and I'd put it on my English muffin...to die for.
2. I took karate for 3 years in high school and got all the way to brown belt, so I guess you could say I have ninja skills (though secretly I don't really remember much of what I learned). I do remember that my favorite move was that mantis hand....supposedly your hand looks like a praying mantis when you do it. If you're lucky, I'll demo for you sometime.
3. I'm currently wearing a lovely black velcro boot on my foot that looks like a flipper one might wear to go scuba diving (only a bit shorter). I somehow managed to get a stress fracture, so I've been hobbling around NYC for the past few weeks....I'll post a pic of this lovely fashion accessory on my next blog.
4. I still think picking my boogers (not in public, of course) is a really rewarding practice.
5. Ever since seeing the movie Space Camp in 3rd grade I wanted to be an astronaut. Seriously, all the way through high school...until I realized I'm not so great at physics and engineering (which, according to my high school teacher, is what one needs to study to become an astronaut)
6. Sometimes I pretend my life is a movie, and I think about exactly how I want each scene to be played out.....keeps things interesting.
7. If I could sing like a black woman, I'd totally be in a gospel choir (lead, of course)
8. I have never seen The Princess Bride (which, apparently, makes me un-American or something)
Ok, those are my factoids. Here are the peeps I'm tagging: Asian Kate, Fens, Luke, Alex (4 will have to suffice b/c I can't think of anymore people w/ blogs)
Jul 8, 2007
Sweaty Sunday
This is a picture I took of my sweaty self today after running 6 miles....that's right, 6 miles. Ok, so for some of you olympic athletes 6 miles is a mere jog in the park, but I think it's a lot....especially in the heat of the day, especially while breathing in the exhaust fumes from New York's FDR Highway.So, basically I posted this picture:
1) so that you would feel sorry for (and proud of me) for all that running and
2) because I've never posted a pic on my blog and felt like today was as good a day as any to get started.
And to have an excuse to advertise that I'll be running the NYC Half Marathon on August 5th. Yikes, that's only a month away...and to think the distance I ran today was only half of the real thing. My lungs are collapsing just thinking about it. But for realz, if you are in the area (or want an excuse to be in the area) come on out at 7 am to cheer a sister on.
Jun 10, 2007
New York
Definitely one of my favorite topics for analysis is how my move from Texas to New York and the 3 years I have spent here have changed me. Each time I visit my home state and come back I mull it over a little more....and think I might actually be at a point of articulation on the matter.
For all of the chaos and stress it has induced in my life, New York City has somehow ended up being the first place I have ever really felt at home with myself, comfortable in my own skin. Certainly not because it's a tranquil, calm and hospitable place to be. Maybe because it's not any of those things (initially) that I have been forced to reckon with myself and the world in a way I never have before. And because of that I am now grateful for all the shouting and all the people in the Bronx who thought I was a clueless white girl and all the dirty bums on the street corner begging for change and all the druggies in the park cursing the world and the reckless cab drivers and the horns and the boys at the shelter who punched walls and punched each other and hated me just because and all the attractive, charming guys who lacked in character and the moms who shouted "fuck" in front of their infant children and all of my co-workers who never thought I would succeed, much less stick around.....thank you for showing me that life is messy and I am messy and things are not perfect and that's just how it is right now...though one day they will be. Thank you for being all of you, for better or worse, for the world to see....it has helped (and at times forced) me to become all of me.
For all of the chaos and stress it has induced in my life, New York City has somehow ended up being the first place I have ever really felt at home with myself, comfortable in my own skin. Certainly not because it's a tranquil, calm and hospitable place to be. Maybe because it's not any of those things (initially) that I have been forced to reckon with myself and the world in a way I never have before. And because of that I am now grateful for all the shouting and all the people in the Bronx who thought I was a clueless white girl and all the dirty bums on the street corner begging for change and all the druggies in the park cursing the world and the reckless cab drivers and the horns and the boys at the shelter who punched walls and punched each other and hated me just because and all the attractive, charming guys who lacked in character and the moms who shouted "fuck" in front of their infant children and all of my co-workers who never thought I would succeed, much less stick around.....thank you for showing me that life is messy and I am messy and things are not perfect and that's just how it is right now...though one day they will be. Thank you for being all of you, for better or worse, for the world to see....it has helped (and at times forced) me to become all of me.
Apr 15, 2007
Fear
It is almost midnight, and I should be asleep right now, especially since I started the process about 2 hours ago and especially since tomorrow is the first day of my new temp job. But what happens is that often when I lay down, these thoughts start attacking my brain and then one thing leads to another and here I am still awake and frustrated as hell.
Today I finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Basically, it is a book of wisdom imparted from a Sociology professor (Morrie) to his former student (Mitch, the author) in the final months of Morrie's life. During one of their sessions, Morrie talks of his most fearful moments when he felt closest to death. The excerpt was so striking, I can not help but share it:
These were horrifying times, he said, and his first emotions were horror, fear, anxiety. But once he recognized the feel of these emotions, their texture, their moisture, the shiver down the back, the quick flash of heat that crosses your brain--then he was able to say, 'Okay, this is fear. Step away from it. Step away.'
I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we're not supposed to cry...
Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, 'All right, it's just fear. I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.'
I'm not sure what else to say here, except that I long for days (and nights) when I can be as brave as Morrie and pull on fear like a familiar shirt.
Today I finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Basically, it is a book of wisdom imparted from a Sociology professor (Morrie) to his former student (Mitch, the author) in the final months of Morrie's life. During one of their sessions, Morrie talks of his most fearful moments when he felt closest to death. The excerpt was so striking, I can not help but share it:
These were horrifying times, he said, and his first emotions were horror, fear, anxiety. But once he recognized the feel of these emotions, their texture, their moisture, the shiver down the back, the quick flash of heat that crosses your brain--then he was able to say, 'Okay, this is fear. Step away from it. Step away.'
I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we're not supposed to cry...
Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, 'All right, it's just fear. I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.'
I'm not sure what else to say here, except that I long for days (and nights) when I can be as brave as Morrie and pull on fear like a familiar shirt.
Apr 2, 2007
Smart
An older woman at church yesterday told me that she really liked my shoes. She said, "Those are really smart." I loved it. Smart shoes...sounds like something my grandma would say. It's like when people use the word handsome. I love how humbly dignified those old school words sound...let's start bringing them back.
I am still in Texas. Now that my dad is recovering nicely my brother is in the hospital. Apparently he has something called ulcerative colitis. You can go ahead and google that one on your own time. At this rate I had better leave town before I end up in a hospital bed with IV tubes coming out of my arms. All that to say my family has been glad to see the month of March come to an end.
Being in my hometown naturally makes me think of childhood....school, little league, youth group, volleyball, always feeling awkward. My dad's secretary also happens to be my 3rd grade teacher. 3rd grade...I was the smartest kid in my class, always won the spelling bee, was picked for class rep., broke my wrist playing soccer and was excited to have everyone sign my cast, was one of 3 girls in my class and the first to voluntarily play football with the boys at recess. I always made A honor roll, wanted to be friends with weird people (some things never change) and was thrilled when we got to clean our desks with shaving cream.
I can't help but wonder if those were my glory days. I always had this fight in me. I wanted to save the world and solve injustice and stand up for the nerds and freaks. I always loved black people and little kids and animals. I think that I still am all of those things....just a little more confused these days. My mom says that I am her "buffet girl" because I like a little bit of everything. Yesterday I told her I wanted to work on a farm and learn how to grow things and then teach inner city kids how to garden. I'm pretty sure this new whim further proved her theory. I think that being a buffet person is ok. The problem with us types is that we have trouble making decisions for fear that we'll be missing out on something better...we are a very restless breed which can lead to good things like starting a revolution or not-so-good things like never being content in the moment. I often fear the latter will prevent me from the former.
A few years back my pastor preached a series on wisdom from the book of Proverbs. His sermon on decision-making is one that I replay often. He said that looking back on his twenties probably 90% of the decisions he made were from selfish and "wrong" motives, and though he's not sure his percentage is much better now that he's in his 50's, God somehow still managed to bring him to where he's supposed to be. I have a hard time swallowing the fact that God is sovereign enough to work through our anxiety and stupidity and depression and selfishness and all kinds of shit. At times I've been able to digest it. I don't think now is one of those times. But I do think it's time to start making some decisions....small ones, maybe even "wrong" ones. Apparently I'm still able to pick out a "smart" pair of shoes on my own, so maybe there's still hope...
I am still in Texas. Now that my dad is recovering nicely my brother is in the hospital. Apparently he has something called ulcerative colitis. You can go ahead and google that one on your own time. At this rate I had better leave town before I end up in a hospital bed with IV tubes coming out of my arms. All that to say my family has been glad to see the month of March come to an end.
Being in my hometown naturally makes me think of childhood....school, little league, youth group, volleyball, always feeling awkward. My dad's secretary also happens to be my 3rd grade teacher. 3rd grade...I was the smartest kid in my class, always won the spelling bee, was picked for class rep., broke my wrist playing soccer and was excited to have everyone sign my cast, was one of 3 girls in my class and the first to voluntarily play football with the boys at recess. I always made A honor roll, wanted to be friends with weird people (some things never change) and was thrilled when we got to clean our desks with shaving cream.
I can't help but wonder if those were my glory days. I always had this fight in me. I wanted to save the world and solve injustice and stand up for the nerds and freaks. I always loved black people and little kids and animals. I think that I still am all of those things....just a little more confused these days. My mom says that I am her "buffet girl" because I like a little bit of everything. Yesterday I told her I wanted to work on a farm and learn how to grow things and then teach inner city kids how to garden. I'm pretty sure this new whim further proved her theory. I think that being a buffet person is ok. The problem with us types is that we have trouble making decisions for fear that we'll be missing out on something better...we are a very restless breed which can lead to good things like starting a revolution or not-so-good things like never being content in the moment. I often fear the latter will prevent me from the former.
A few years back my pastor preached a series on wisdom from the book of Proverbs. His sermon on decision-making is one that I replay often. He said that looking back on his twenties probably 90% of the decisions he made were from selfish and "wrong" motives, and though he's not sure his percentage is much better now that he's in his 50's, God somehow still managed to bring him to where he's supposed to be. I have a hard time swallowing the fact that God is sovereign enough to work through our anxiety and stupidity and depression and selfishness and all kinds of shit. At times I've been able to digest it. I don't think now is one of those times. But I do think it's time to start making some decisions....small ones, maybe even "wrong" ones. Apparently I'm still able to pick out a "smart" pair of shoes on my own, so maybe there's still hope...
Mar 13, 2007
Home
I am in Texas right now because my dad had open heart surgery. He's well on the road to recovery and came back from the hospital today. It's weird because I had been praying for an excuse to come back...not that I wanted it to be heart surgery, but it feels nice to be home, in a place where I can breathe. March and April have consistently been my least favorite months in New York because it's supposed to be Spring but it's not. It's still cold and snowing and my winter coat is disgustingly dirty but I don't wash it because I keep convincing myself that soon I won't be needing it anymore. The city just seems to get more claustrophobic and depressing and my body is screaming for sunlight, warm weather...pretty much all things not winter. Add unemployment to that mix, and the situation definitely calls for a change of scenery.
My favorite part of being back in Texas has been driving and listening to the radio. I forgot how peaceful it feels to be in a car by myself. I've missed being able to wear flip flops in March and enjoy the luxury of living in an actual house with normal-people sized rooms and appliances.
I like not feeling the pressures here that I do in New York. The pressure to get a great job and be somebody and change the world and blah blah blah. I'm just so over it. I'm so over everything being a hassle and crowded and freakin' overrated. I sometimes don't understand why I'm living there. In fact, I'm not really sure where I belong. I wish I could just focus in on something and stick with it. But lately I've been so scattered and restless. My mind keeps going in circles, and if one more person (except for you, Kate:) asks me how the job search is going I think I may scream. I don't have an answer. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know which city I belong in. I don't know which job I belong in. I guess for these next couple of weeks I belong here with my family...and that's about all I can say with certainty.
My favorite part of being back in Texas has been driving and listening to the radio. I forgot how peaceful it feels to be in a car by myself. I've missed being able to wear flip flops in March and enjoy the luxury of living in an actual house with normal-people sized rooms and appliances.
I like not feeling the pressures here that I do in New York. The pressure to get a great job and be somebody and change the world and blah blah blah. I'm just so over it. I'm so over everything being a hassle and crowded and freakin' overrated. I sometimes don't understand why I'm living there. In fact, I'm not really sure where I belong. I wish I could just focus in on something and stick with it. But lately I've been so scattered and restless. My mind keeps going in circles, and if one more person (except for you, Kate:) asks me how the job search is going I think I may scream. I don't have an answer. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know which city I belong in. I don't know which job I belong in. I guess for these next couple of weeks I belong here with my family...and that's about all I can say with certainty.
Feb 22, 2007
Looking Up
Something about being outdoors always helps to put matters in perspective for me. I don't know what it is. Recognizing that God created the grass and the trees and the East River somehow helps me understand that He's probably got my life under control too....and then I go back to my apartment and manage to forget that beautiful epiphany.
Yesterday was the first time things felt remotely promising on the job front. I went to a staffing agency and met with some pleasant folks who seemed quite positive that they would be able to find a good fit for me. I don't know why I've never gone to one of these places before. They do all the work for you. It's fabulous. There's also something empowering about putting on a suit. I felt important and intelligent...maybe that's shallow and pathetic ,but it's the truth. I can better understand why the "power tie" is so crucial to the male wardrobe.
I think I've finally gotten some mental and emotional closure with the boy situation too. We talked yesterday, and I realized that conversing with him always manages to disrupt my inner peace. Why it took me 5 months to figure that out I'm not so sure. Better than 5 years I guess. I haven't exactly been able to vocalize this conclusion to him, so I'm taking the more passive no call back approach....I shall keep you posted on how this "weaning off" process goes.
Ok, my tutoring gig calls, and plus I don't really have anything else inspiring to say.
Yesterday was the first time things felt remotely promising on the job front. I went to a staffing agency and met with some pleasant folks who seemed quite positive that they would be able to find a good fit for me. I don't know why I've never gone to one of these places before. They do all the work for you. It's fabulous. There's also something empowering about putting on a suit. I felt important and intelligent...maybe that's shallow and pathetic ,but it's the truth. I can better understand why the "power tie" is so crucial to the male wardrobe.
I think I've finally gotten some mental and emotional closure with the boy situation too. We talked yesterday, and I realized that conversing with him always manages to disrupt my inner peace. Why it took me 5 months to figure that out I'm not so sure. Better than 5 years I guess. I haven't exactly been able to vocalize this conclusion to him, so I'm taking the more passive no call back approach....I shall keep you posted on how this "weaning off" process goes.
Ok, my tutoring gig calls, and plus I don't really have anything else inspiring to say.
Feb 19, 2007
Aimless
Julie so kindly let me grace her with my presence all day long. We spent many a brainless hour watching TV, then I took a nap and then ate a delicious meal cooked by Collin...such a rough life I have.
So I think it's about time to find myself some temp work. I am going a little stir crazy and for whatever reason can't seem to find any motivation to look for a job. At first I was gung-ho about going in the human resources direction, and the more I looked at jobs the less excited I got. I don't know what my deal is. Plenty of people out there enjoy their jobs...I just have doubts that I will ever be among that group.
There's this boy that I've had a very love-hate relationship with for about the past 6 mths. It's annoying to have had so many emotions about a person for that length of time only to realize he's not who you wanted him to be in your head. It took him so long just to make a little effort, and now that he is I just don' t care anymore....and feel annoyed for all that time I spent caring way too much.
So that's that. I just don't care...about the job, about the boy, about much of anything right now. Then why do I feel like such a loser for not having a "real" job? I'm realizing how much New Yorkers are defined by their work. Everyone seems to have such distinguished titles: Project Manger, Investment Banker, Graphic Designer, Creative Director. I hate having to explain to people that I'm in a "transitional" period right now. My counselor told me that we are all broken people and we need to be able to look at those messy parts of ourselves and just accept them as reality. So, I'm trying to get there. To accept where I'm at: that I haven't had a job in a month, that I'm not really actively looking, that I'm unsure of what I want to do, that I sometimes feel like a loser because of it, and that deep down I really do care what other people think...even stupid boys.
So I think it's about time to find myself some temp work. I am going a little stir crazy and for whatever reason can't seem to find any motivation to look for a job. At first I was gung-ho about going in the human resources direction, and the more I looked at jobs the less excited I got. I don't know what my deal is. Plenty of people out there enjoy their jobs...I just have doubts that I will ever be among that group.
There's this boy that I've had a very love-hate relationship with for about the past 6 mths. It's annoying to have had so many emotions about a person for that length of time only to realize he's not who you wanted him to be in your head. It took him so long just to make a little effort, and now that he is I just don' t care anymore....and feel annoyed for all that time I spent caring way too much.
So that's that. I just don't care...about the job, about the boy, about much of anything right now. Then why do I feel like such a loser for not having a "real" job? I'm realizing how much New Yorkers are defined by their work. Everyone seems to have such distinguished titles: Project Manger, Investment Banker, Graphic Designer, Creative Director. I hate having to explain to people that I'm in a "transitional" period right now. My counselor told me that we are all broken people and we need to be able to look at those messy parts of ourselves and just accept them as reality. So, I'm trying to get there. To accept where I'm at: that I haven't had a job in a month, that I'm not really actively looking, that I'm unsure of what I want to do, that I sometimes feel like a loser because of it, and that deep down I really do care what other people think...even stupid boys.
Feb 13, 2007
Job Searching and Such
I sometimes feel that I should be much better at job searching after so many goes at it. But for some reason cover letters never get any easier to write, and I still laugh every time I look at my resume like I'm trying to be this super sophisticated person that I'm not....whatever. In my opinion there is entirely too much hype surrounding the job search. Listen people, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. This is coming from someone who has scoured hundreds of job postings from social work to sales. There are really only about 5 things you need to master in life:
Microsoft Word
Multi-tasking
Writing
Speaking
and occasionally...the "ability to work in a fast-paced environment"
Those things pretty much summarize every "requirements" category I have read. So, don't sweat it. Basically, if you're good at life and can whip up a word document you're good to go. Sorry to those of you who have paid big money for fancy career seminars. Next time, consult my blog first.
Ok, I'm about to be kicked out of this coffee shop. My supposed Valentine's date for tomorrow has not yet called to confirm, so I'm getting a little nervous.....I mean, I'm Valentine-worthy, right?
Microsoft Word
Multi-tasking
Writing
Speaking
and occasionally...the "ability to work in a fast-paced environment"
Those things pretty much summarize every "requirements" category I have read. So, don't sweat it. Basically, if you're good at life and can whip up a word document you're good to go. Sorry to those of you who have paid big money for fancy career seminars. Next time, consult my blog first.
Ok, I'm about to be kicked out of this coffee shop. My supposed Valentine's date for tomorrow has not yet called to confirm, so I'm getting a little nervous.....I mean, I'm Valentine-worthy, right?
Jan 21, 2007
This Time Around
Well, I have somehow managed to find myself unemployed in New York City for the 3rd time since moving here. Everything seemed to work itself out the first two times, so I'm trying not to sweat this one, abrupt as it came.
So what happened was that I've been working at a boys' shelter in Brooklyn for the past 4 months, and they pretty much yanked me and transferred me to their Bronx location against my will. I tried going into it with an open mind, but after 5 days of having to leave my apartment at 4am for the 2 hour commute the quick split was inevitable. So that leaves me here in my apartment at 11:49 on a Monday afternoon typing away in my long-neglected but soon-to-be-revived blog. Still trying to figure out how I feel about the way things worked out. A little bitter that I was basically forced to quit due to circumstances I had no control over, a lot relieved that I don't have to go back to work there again, a little excited by the adventure of such unexpected change and of course a little nervous about financial sustenance in the meantime. Underlying all there exists a peace from God that has been quite foreign to me over the past 5 months, and I am grateful for its return.
My gameplan for this week is to take it easy and to enjoy myself and the city. To regroup and address all of the things in my life that have been neglected since September: mail, bills, phone calls, e-mails, books, thank you notes, friendships...you get the idea. A couple months ago I started making a list of some things that I want to but still haven't gotten around to doing since moving here. Kari and I already did one of them this morning which was eat at the local Puerto Rican joint next door to us.....that's right....next door to us....and we've lived here 2 and a half years...and just now ate there today. Anyways, Casa Adela turned out to be quite scrumptious and quite cheap...better late than never I guess. Later on today I plan on heading down to the National Museum of the American Indian (also on the list). After visiting a reservation one summer in college and taking American Indian History the following semester I've had a soft spot for our native peoples.
So my theory in all of this is that if I take a week or so to do what I enjoy then some job ideas and opportunities are bound to flow out of that. And if not, well there's always Starbucks. Like I said, I'm trying not to sweat it. I need to take some time and really thank all the people in my life that are so good to me, and especially those who have listened to my whining and stuck with me through these past few depressive months. I swear it's a wonder that I still have friends.
So what happened was that I've been working at a boys' shelter in Brooklyn for the past 4 months, and they pretty much yanked me and transferred me to their Bronx location against my will. I tried going into it with an open mind, but after 5 days of having to leave my apartment at 4am for the 2 hour commute the quick split was inevitable. So that leaves me here in my apartment at 11:49 on a Monday afternoon typing away in my long-neglected but soon-to-be-revived blog. Still trying to figure out how I feel about the way things worked out. A little bitter that I was basically forced to quit due to circumstances I had no control over, a lot relieved that I don't have to go back to work there again, a little excited by the adventure of such unexpected change and of course a little nervous about financial sustenance in the meantime. Underlying all there exists a peace from God that has been quite foreign to me over the past 5 months, and I am grateful for its return.
My gameplan for this week is to take it easy and to enjoy myself and the city. To regroup and address all of the things in my life that have been neglected since September: mail, bills, phone calls, e-mails, books, thank you notes, friendships...you get the idea. A couple months ago I started making a list of some things that I want to but still haven't gotten around to doing since moving here. Kari and I already did one of them this morning which was eat at the local Puerto Rican joint next door to us.....that's right....next door to us....and we've lived here 2 and a half years...and just now ate there today. Anyways, Casa Adela turned out to be quite scrumptious and quite cheap...better late than never I guess. Later on today I plan on heading down to the National Museum of the American Indian (also on the list). After visiting a reservation one summer in college and taking American Indian History the following semester I've had a soft spot for our native peoples.
So my theory in all of this is that if I take a week or so to do what I enjoy then some job ideas and opportunities are bound to flow out of that. And if not, well there's always Starbucks. Like I said, I'm trying not to sweat it. I need to take some time and really thank all the people in my life that are so good to me, and especially those who have listened to my whining and stuck with me through these past few depressive months. I swear it's a wonder that I still have friends.
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