Aimless

Julie so kindly let me grace her with my presence all day long. We spent many a brainless hour watching TV, then I took a nap and then ate a delicious meal cooked by Collin...such a rough life I have.

So I think it's about time to find myself some temp work. I am going a little stir crazy and for whatever reason can't seem to find any motivation to look for a job. At first I was gung-ho about going in the human resources direction, and the more I looked at jobs the less excited I got. I don't know what my deal is. Plenty of people out there enjoy their jobs...I just have doubts that I will ever be among that group.

There's this boy that I've had a very love-hate relationship with for about the past 6 mths. It's annoying to have had so many emotions about a person for that length of time only to realize he's not who you wanted him to be in your head. It took him so long just to make a little effort, and now that he is I just don' t care anymore....and feel annoyed for all that time I spent caring way too much.

So that's that. I just don't care...about the job, about the boy, about much of anything right now. Then why do I feel like such a loser for not having a "real" job? I'm realizing how much New Yorkers are defined by their work. Everyone seems to have such distinguished titles: Project Manger, Investment Banker, Graphic Designer, Creative Director. I hate having to explain to people that I'm in a "transitional" period right now. My counselor told me that we are all broken people and we need to be able to look at those messy parts of ourselves and just accept them as reality. So, I'm trying to get there. To accept where I'm at: that I haven't had a job in a month, that I'm not really actively looking, that I'm unsure of what I want to do, that I sometimes feel like a loser because of it, and that deep down I really do care what other people think...even stupid boys.