My group joined another group for Bible study tonight, and it was good. It's been a while since I truly studied the Bible. It reminded me of college. And for all of the time I spent in studies and small groups and ministries while in college, one would think I'd have a pretty sound knowledge of the Bible. The reality is quite the opposite. For some reason, it never stuck. Maybe because I just took what I wanted from it, whatever fit my emotional needs at the time. Maybe because I was afraid to ask questions and was more concerned about playing the part of this spiritually wise person who knew what I was talking about. Yeah--it was probably more that than anything. Lately, it's because I spend so much energy trying to figure out whether God is real or not that I never quite get to the other stuff. My thoughts just chase themselves around in a vicious questioning of faith leading to not much of anywhere except more discontentment, frustration and hostility.
So tonight we read and studied a couple chapters of Ephesians. I've always liked the words of the Bible though I often don't grasp their meaning. Sometimes the verses are beautifully worded but seem to say a lot without saying anything at all. It's just difficult to put everything in context and get what the authors were trying to express. And it's also difficult to not just pick out parts that sound pretty and apply them to your life as feel-good phrases.
Well, my "feel-good phrase" for the evening was in Chapter 2, verse 14 where it says, "For he himself [Christ] is our peace..." It hit home for me. Peace, fulfillment, contentment...all things I've been reflecting on and challenged with lately. I tend to run to things to feel validated, to make anxiety go away, to feel whole and needed: guys, work, having a full social calendar, being around lots of people, running in the mornings. All good things but all things that I know will ultimately still leave me with empty parts and unfulfilled longings. In church and all the "Christiany" things I did growing up, we were always told that Jesus is the one who fills us, gives us our identity, the ultimate healer and fulfiller of our deepest desires. Of course I want that. Who wouldn't? But what does it mean? What does it mean to let Him be our peace and fill us and all of that? It seems so abstract. No one ever seemed to get to that part of the equation. They just stopped at Jesus saves.
I guess I should just ask Him and see....
Jan 14, 2009
Jan 12, 2009
Mud Hoppers
I just spent the last 3 hours working on social work school applications, and I still have this freak-out feeling in my chest. I'm overwhelmed, but at the same time there's some sort of peace buried beneath all of this anxiety and doubting and whatever other crap is jumbled together inside.
The guy I've been dating a couple months broke it off yesterday. Which is fine. It was more mutual. For all of our points of connection, spiritually we just weren't headed down the same road. And the thing is, it's no one's fault. It just is. And it's hard to understand why God is real to some people and not to others. And how individuals can be so connected in vision but not in heart. It's just hard. So I'm going to have my brief pity party and move on. Because that's what you gotta do.
For all the stress and emotion, I never imagined I'd actually get this far in the application process. I like to talk about and think about things a lot, and the panic of actually doing them is quite often paralyzing. Sometimes it makes no sense, but that is just my reality, and at some point I decided to pick one foot out of the mud and then the other and so on and so forth. And so I'm gonna keep truckin' on and writing about it and doing what I need to do to not stay stuck. Tomorrow is another day.
The guy I've been dating a couple months broke it off yesterday. Which is fine. It was more mutual. For all of our points of connection, spiritually we just weren't headed down the same road. And the thing is, it's no one's fault. It just is. And it's hard to understand why God is real to some people and not to others. And how individuals can be so connected in vision but not in heart. It's just hard. So I'm going to have my brief pity party and move on. Because that's what you gotta do.
For all the stress and emotion, I never imagined I'd actually get this far in the application process. I like to talk about and think about things a lot, and the panic of actually doing them is quite often paralyzing. Sometimes it makes no sense, but that is just my reality, and at some point I decided to pick one foot out of the mud and then the other and so on and so forth. And so I'm gonna keep truckin' on and writing about it and doing what I need to do to not stay stuck. Tomorrow is another day.
Jan 6, 2009
Keepin' it Light
I think my blog entries are kind of depressing. Yikes--who knew I was such a Debby Downer?
In other news, what I should really be doing right now is working on my grad school essays, but I'm not. I'm procrastinating just like I did last night and the night before and the week before and...
Who the hell wants to answer a questions like this:
"Discuss what makes a small group or team a successful community. Discuss a situation in which a small group or team you were a part of succeeded or failed and what significant learning you took away from the experience."
lame.
I think a successful team is full of sharing, caring, butterflies, roses, rainbows and cute puppies. One time this girl in my girl scout troupe beat me out as the top cookie seller. What I learned from this defeat is that kids should sell their own cookies and not mooch off their parents' professional connections.
"What are your short-term and long-term professional aspirations?"
My short term goal is to make it through the work day tomorrow without asking myself even once, "What am I doing here?"
Looking long-term, I would like to feel like I'm actually serving some sort of deeper purpose at least one day of the work week. I've also always been pretty proud of my stellar gift wrapping skills and have often dreamed of making it to the big time as a professional gift wrapper at Macy's, the mecca of retailers. As you can see, I am a pretty ambitious individual.
"What significant personal and/or professional factors have most informed your present outlook?"
Professionally, I have found the "real world" to be quite overrated which makes me the perfect candidate for grad school. On a more personal level, being introduced to mac & cheese at such a young age has proved to be a life changing event. It is probably the greatest food ever invented and my outlook on life indeed would not be as cheese-tastic without it.
...and who says I'm not productive?
In other news, what I should really be doing right now is working on my grad school essays, but I'm not. I'm procrastinating just like I did last night and the night before and the week before and...
Who the hell wants to answer a questions like this:
"Discuss what makes a small group or team a successful community. Discuss a situation in which a small group or team you were a part of succeeded or failed and what significant learning you took away from the experience."
lame.
I think a successful team is full of sharing, caring, butterflies, roses, rainbows and cute puppies. One time this girl in my girl scout troupe beat me out as the top cookie seller. What I learned from this defeat is that kids should sell their own cookies and not mooch off their parents' professional connections.
"What are your short-term and long-term professional aspirations?"
My short term goal is to make it through the work day tomorrow without asking myself even once, "What am I doing here?"
Looking long-term, I would like to feel like I'm actually serving some sort of deeper purpose at least one day of the work week. I've also always been pretty proud of my stellar gift wrapping skills and have often dreamed of making it to the big time as a professional gift wrapper at Macy's, the mecca of retailers. As you can see, I am a pretty ambitious individual.
"What significant personal and/or professional factors have most informed your present outlook?"
Professionally, I have found the "real world" to be quite overrated which makes me the perfect candidate for grad school. On a more personal level, being introduced to mac & cheese at such a young age has proved to be a life changing event. It is probably the greatest food ever invented and my outlook on life indeed would not be as cheese-tastic without it.
...and who says I'm not productive?
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