Filling Up

My group joined another group for Bible study tonight, and it was good. It's been a while since I truly studied the Bible. It reminded me of college. And for all of the time I spent in studies and small groups and ministries while in college, one would think I'd have a pretty sound knowledge of the Bible. The reality is quite the opposite. For some reason, it never stuck. Maybe because I just took what I wanted from it, whatever fit my emotional needs at the time. Maybe because I was afraid to ask questions and was more concerned about playing the part of this spiritually wise person who knew what I was talking about. Yeah--it was probably more that than anything. Lately, it's because I spend so much energy trying to figure out whether God is real or not that I never quite get to the other stuff. My thoughts just chase themselves around in a vicious questioning of faith leading to not much of anywhere except more discontentment, frustration and hostility.

So tonight we read and studied a couple chapters of Ephesians. I've always liked the words of the Bible though I often don't grasp their meaning. Sometimes the verses are beautifully worded but seem to say a lot without saying anything at all. It's just difficult to put everything in context and get what the authors were trying to express. And it's also difficult to not just pick out parts that sound pretty and apply them to your life as feel-good phrases.

Well, my "feel-good phrase" for the evening was in Chapter 2, verse 14 where it says, "For he himself [Christ] is our peace..." It hit home for me. Peace, fulfillment, contentment...all things I've been reflecting on and challenged with lately. I tend to run to things to feel validated, to make anxiety go away, to feel whole and needed: guys, work, having a full social calendar, being around lots of people, running in the mornings. All good things but all things that I know will ultimately still leave me with empty parts and unfulfilled longings. In church and all the "Christiany" things I did growing up, we were always told that Jesus is the one who fills us, gives us our identity, the ultimate healer and fulfiller of our deepest desires. Of course I want that. Who wouldn't? But what does it mean? What does it mean to let Him be our peace and fill us and all of that? It seems so abstract. No one ever seemed to get to that part of the equation. They just stopped at Jesus saves.

I guess I should just ask Him and see....